Hello Everyone,
We recently relaunched A Beautiful Adventure Marriage after taking some much-needed time off. On our last blog and podcast, we reintroduced ourselves, caught you up on what has been going on, and shared some vision for the future.
One of the main things we want to do moving forward is deep dive into Scripture and find ways that we can practically apply Scripture to our lives and marriages. The whole Bible was given to us by God, and in it, God has laid out how to live a life that honors Him. One that brings blessings and peace.
Next month we will be kicking off this new model and diving into the book of Proverbs. Proverbs is known to contain wisdom for every generation. We will be going through it specifically looking at how we can apply that wisdom to our marriages. We are excited about this study and can’t wait to get started.
However, there was one loose end that we wanted to tie up before we jumped into Proverbs.
In October of last year, we published this blog and had planned on recording the podcast episode for it in November. If you have listened to our last episode, you know that November took a hard turn for us, so the podcast never got recorded.
We considered just not recording it but felt the topic is too prominent to ignore. Too many marriages are in a routine that can be damaging to their relationship if it is not dealt with and that is the circular argument.
In every marriage you will experience disagreements and arguments. It just comes with the territory. However, when you find yourself having the same arguments often that’s a sign that there is an underlying issue(s).
What is a Circular Argument?
A circular argument in marriage is a repetitive pattern of conflict. In most cases both husband and wife are very emotional about whatever the issue is, because of this it is hard to find closure, so the argument comes up often.
In our case, our circular argument went on for at least the first year of our marriage, if not longer. We had never heard this term and we sure didn’t know what circular arguments were then, much less how to deal with them. So, whenever a disagreement of any kind came up it always circled back to that particular disagreement.
We would literally fall into a script which we repeated word for word every time. And every time we would part ways in the exact same way, with no resolution, only waiting for the next time when we would quote our lines again. We became quite good at this scene, and we played our parts to perfection.
I remember Alex actually acknowledging this a few times. He would make comments like, “Why are we even having this argument, nothing ever changes? We are just saying the same words over and over.” I remember it being very frustrating because we weren’t intentionally trying to stay in this conflict but there we were.
Just Say You’re Sorry and Move On
We are taught early on that when feelings are hurt, we should say, “I’m sorry”, but we are never taught how to properly handle conflict. Most people don’t have a good understanding of what a true apology and forgiveness looks like. We are basically just told to get over it, say the words, and move on regardless of the situation.
In marriage this is a recipe for disaster, you and your spouse will never be able to agree on every single issue. Sometimes a simple “I’m sorry” won’t fix the problem. Slapping a band aid on certain issues will not bring anything but pain to a marriage. You or your spouse may feel strongly about the issue(s). One or both of you could have past trauma around the issue(s). Or it could be the opposite, one of you could genuinely not think something was a big deal.
There are a lot of moving parts that go into why circular arguments occur. The good news is you and your spouse can bring resolution to your particular argument. The process starts with prayer. In John 14:26, Jesus tells his disciples that the Holy Spirit or in Hebrew the Ruach Ha Kodesh will come and be our Helper. Some issues run deep and are hard to figure out. Ask the Ruach to help reveal what is causing the arguments to continue to occur, then start asking some introspective questions and working through the answers both individually and as a couple.
Let’s look at four good questions you can use to start these conversations.
What is the real issue behind my emotions?
There is a root to every issue.
Much like health issues, if you only treat the symptoms of the problem, the problem will remain. You have to get to the bottom of what is causing the symptoms if you are going to have true health. The same is true with marriage issues. If you find the root and deal with it, the symptoms will begin to heal.
In our case, like in most marriages, we didn’t know to look for the root. We would just say the same words over and over again until we got tired. The symptoms of our issue always looked different, the argument would always start over something different, but it was all coming from the same root. Once we figured out what was causing the problem, we were able to deal with and find closure.
It might take time to find the root(s). Arguments tend to become layered since both you and your spouse come into the marriage with your own emotional baggage.
Once you have identified what the root of the issue is, start communicating in a way that will bring resolution to the issue. However long this takes, your marriage is worth it.
What patterns in our relationship are causing this conflict to reoccur?
Identifying the issue(s) then doing nothing about it will get you nowhere on this journey. In fact, it will only make it worse. As you are communicating your way through this, come up with a plan to correct what is broken in your marriage.
A good first step is to set up rules of engagement for your marriage. Create boundaries for your arguments to keep them from falling back into old patterns. Muscle memory is a real thing, and you will fall back into normal rhythms if you don’t deliberately change the behavior. For help in creating these boundaries check out our website.
What can I do to be the bigger person?
Being the bigger person is hard, especially on issues that you and your spouse have been dealing with for a while. Hurtful words have already been spoken and unless true forgiveness has been given and received neither one of you are probably in a clear head space.
Below are a few ways you and your spouse can start becoming the bigger person and work together to resolve your circular argument. We came up with this list after reading Colossians 3. In the Tree of Life Version this chapter is called “Put off the Old and Put on the New.” Which is very fitting for what we are trying to accomplish here.
Colossians 3:1-2 Therefore, if you have been raised up with Messiah, keep seeking the things above—where Messiah is, sitting at the right hand of God. Focus your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.
- Stop being a recorder player. You have already given your opinion multiple times. They know how you feel, and you know how they feel. Stop trying to convince them. This time won’t be the magically time the problem is solved.
- Stop rehearsing the issue in your head and stop having mental arguments. This just sets you up for failure. You will stay in a constant state of conflict and negativity, this will not help you or your marriage in any way.
Colossians 3:5-10 Therefore, put to death what is earthly in you—sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desire, and greed—for that is idolatry. Because of such things God’s wrath is coming upon the sons of disobedience. At one time you also walked in these ways, when you used to live in these ways. But now, set them all aside—anger, rage, malice, slander, and foul language out of your mouth. Do not lie to one another. After all, you have taken off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self that is being renewed in knowledge, according to the image of the One who created him.
- It takes two to argue so stop escalating and start deescalating the argument instead.
- Respond, don’t react. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Take your time and don’t say or do anything you will regret later.
Colossians 3:12-13 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves in tender compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience-bearing with one another and forgiving each other, if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord pardoned you, so also you must pardon others.
- Talk through small issues as they come up in a calm way, don’t let them pile up. They will turn into “the” argument every time.
- Be patient and respectful- this did not happen overnight so it will not resolve overnight. You can walk through this process (even imperfectly), and still honor and respect your spouse.
Colossians 3:14-17 But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfect harmony. Let the shalom of Messiah rule in your hearts—to this shalom you were surely called in one body. Also be thankful. Let the word of Messiah dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another with all wisdom in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Yeshua, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.
- When it’s time to have a harder conversation, pick your timing. Be self-aware and spouse aware, when are both of you in a good head space to have the conversation civilly. Start these conversations in times of peace with the objective to remain in that peace.
- Anticipate negative outcomes in your spouse. You cannot control how your spouse responds to everything. You can however control how you respond. Try not to match their energy if it’s negative. Show them love even when you don’t think they deserve it
- Get in God’s Word both individually and as a couple.
- Pray for the Lord to help you with this EVERY DAY!
I highly encourage you to read all of Colossians 3 and find unique ways to apply it to your own lives and marriages. It is a great chapter for practical application.
Do we need to seek outside help with this issue?
Some issues simply cannot be corrected without outside help. Although no one wants to admit they are having trouble in their marriage, there is no shame in finding help. Our country’s divorce shows that a lot of people are calling it quits instead of addressing the issue. Don’t become one of those couples.
Check your pride at the door. Your marriage is not the only one that is having circular arguments. Every marriage encounters them. Every marriage has their seasons of conflict. The difference between the ones that make it and the ones that don’t, is how the couple chooses to handle the conflict.
Fight for and invest in your covenant relationship.
In Closing…
You will have to be intentional about creating resolution and closure in these arguments because it will not just happen. You and your spouse will have to work together in the process.
As you and your spouse commit to this process the circular issues can be resolved. As you work together and learn about each other, peace can come into your marriage, whether you both 100% agree on an issue or not.
This is about resolution and peace in your marriage not being the winner. Being right and winning the argument is not worth your intimacy and marriage.