In every marriage you will experience disagreements and arguments. It just comes with the territory. However, when you find yourself having the same arguments often that’s a sign that there is an underlying issue(s) that need to be identified and dealt with.
In our case, our circular argument went on for at least the first year of our marriage, if not longer. We didn’t know what circular arguments were then, much less how to deal with them. So, whenever a disagreement of any kind came up it always circled back to that particular disagreement. We would literally fall into a script which we repeated word for word every time. And every time we would part ways in the exact same way, with no resolution, only waiting for the next time when we would quote our lines again. We became quite good at this scene, and we played our parts to perfection.
Just Say You’re Sorry and Move On
We are taught early on that when feelings are hurt, we should say, “I’m sorry”, but we are never taught how to properly handle conflict. We are basically just told to get over it, say the words, and move on regardless of the situation.
In marriage this is a recipe for disaster, you and your spouse will never be able to agree on every single issue. Sometimes a simple “I’m sorry” won’t fix the problem. Slapping a band aid on certain issues will not bring anything but pain to a marriage. You or your spouse may feel strongly about the issue(s). One or both of you could have past trauma around the issue(s). Or it could be the opposite, one of you could genuinely not think something was a big deal.
There are a lot of moving parts that go into why circular arguments occur. The good news is you and your spouse can bring resolution to your particular argument. The process starts by asking some introspective questions and working through the answers as a couple.
What is the real issue behind my emotions?
There is a root to every issue.
Much like health issues, if you only treat the symptoms of the problem, the problem will remain. You have to get to the bottom of what is causing the symptoms if you are going to have true health. The same is true with marriage issues. If you find the root and deal with it, the symptoms will begin to heal.
In our case, like in most marriages, Alex and I didn’t know to look for the root. We would just say the same words over and over again until we got tired. The symptoms of our issue always looked different, the argument would always start over something different, but it was all coming from the same root. Once we figured out what was causing the problem, we were able to deal with and find closure.
It might take time to find the root(s). Arguments tend to become layered since both you and your spouse come into the marriage with your own emotional baggage.
Once you have identified what the root of the issue is, start communicating in a way that will bring resolution to the issue. However long this takes, your marriage is worth it.
What patterns in our relationship are causing this conflict to reoccur?
Identifying the issue(s) then doing nothing about it will get you nowhere on this journey. In fact, it will only make it worse. As you are communicating your way through this, come up with a plan to correct what is broken in your marriage.
A good first step is to set up rules of engagement for your marriage. Create boundaries for your arguments to keep them from falling back into old patterns. Muscle memory is a real thing, and you will fall back into normal rhythms if you don’t deliberately change the behavior. For help in creating these boundaries click the rules of engagement link above.
What can I do to be the bigger person?
Being the bigger person is hard, especially on issues that you and your spouse have been dealing with for a while. Hurtful words have already been spoken and unless forgiveness has been given and received neither one of you are probably in a clear head space. Below are a few ways you and your spouse can start becoming the bigger person and work together to resolve your circular argument.
- Stop being a recorder player. You have already given your opinion multiple times. They know how you feel, and you know how they feel. Stop trying to convince them. This time won’t be the magically time the problem is agreed upon.
- It takes two to argue so stop escalating and start deescalating the argument instead. This is where the rules of engagement will come in very handy for both of you.
- Stop rehearsing the issue in your head and stop having mental arguments. This just sets you up for failure. You will stay in a constant state of conflict and negativity, this will not help you or your marriage in any way.
- Talk through small issues as they come up, don’t let them pile up. They will turn into “the” argument every time.
- Be patient and respectful- this did not happen overnight so it will not resolve overnight. You can walk through this process (even imperfectly), and still honor and respect your spouse.
- When it’s time to have a harder conversation, pick your timing. Be self-aware and spouse aware, when are both of you in a good head space to have the conversation civilly.
- Respond, don’t react. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Take your time and don’t say or do anything you will regret later.
- Anticipate negative outcomes in your spouse. You cannot control how your spouse responds to everything. You can however control how you respond. Try not to match their energy if it’s negative.
Do we need to seek outside help with this issue?
Some issues simply cannot be corrected without outside help. Although no one wants to admit they are having trouble in their marriage, there is no shame in finding help. Our country’s divorce shows that a lot of people are calling it quits instead of addressing the issue. Don’t become one of those couples.
Check your pride at the door. Your marriage is not the only one that is having circular issues. Every marriage encounters them. Every marriage has their seasons of conflict. The difference between the ones that make it and the ones that don’t, is how the couple chooses to handle the conflict.
Fight for and invest in your covenant relationship.
In Closing…
You will have to be intentional about creating resolution and closure in these arguments because it will not just happen. You and your spouse will have to work together in the process.
As you and your spouse commit to this process the circular issues can be resolved. As you work together and learn about each other better peace can come into your marriage, whether you both 100% agree on an issue or not.
This is about resolution and peace in your marriage not being the winner. Being right and winning the argument is not worth your intimacy and marriage.