Hello Friends,
Emotional baggage, we all have it! Although some of us have never gone through an extremely traumatic experience, we have all been wounded in some way. Those wounds lead to everyone having some amount of emotional baggage.
Even though we can learn a great deal from our past, sometimes there are certain experiences that impact our future in an ongoing negative way. If we don’t deal with the emotional baggage from our past, it can weigh us down. It can negatively influence our decisions and actions, which can be detrimental to our relationships, especially our marriage.
Sometimes we see these negative effects and we know exactly where they came from and why. Other times we deal with issues in our marriage, and we do not realize that they are an underlying past experience that is causing the chaos.
In those moments we tend to deal with the symptoms but not the cause. As we leave the real problem unattended, we are just buying our time until it raises its ugly head again in our relationship.
No One is Immune
Emotional baggage can be extremely problematic in a marriage relationship.
Because EVERYONE has emotional baggage of some kind. If you are thinking you don’t, trust me, you do, or at least you have at some point. Even the smallest wounding in your past can cause future issues if it’s not dealt with and healing has not taken place.
When you have two people, each with their own baggage coming into a relationship, issues are going to come up. Triggers are going to be exposed. No one is immune. However, this doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. Quite the opposite actually.
In marriage, we have the unique opportunity to be a part of the redeeming work of the Father. We get a main character role in the story of our spouse’s life. We get to be a part of helping them and ourselves become more like Jesus. Marriage is one of the most important ministries you will ever be a part of. It is a ministry of redemption, restoration, and running together on mission to help others.
Let’s face it, it’s easier to run when you are not carrying something heavy. So, if we are going to run together, let’s look at some ways we can lighten our load, by unpacking the unnecessary emotional baggage we may have.
Ways to Unpack Your Emotional Baggage
Identify the Problems
The first step in unpacking the emotional baggage that is negatively impacting your relationship is to identify what the problem areas are. This part of the process may take months, or possibly years, depending on the severity of your past experiences. The important thing here is to handle one issue at a time.
Think about how you unpack an actual suitcase. Yes, you may dump everything out on the bed and wash it, but you have to hang up the clothes piece by piece. You can do the same with your emotional baggage.
You can do a brain dump on a piece of paper listing all the issues that you want to deal with and clean up but tackle them one at a time. Ask your spouse to help with this. They may identify things that you would consider normal because of your past experiences. Working together as a team can be tricky when dealing with emotional baggage. Abundant grace will have to be given, but you are more likely to succeed if you have someone on your team.
Also be prepared to add things to the list as they come up. There will come a time as you are going through this unpacking phase where you will be triggered. This trigger may come as a surprise. You may not have known that issue existed until it was exposed in your marriage.
If that happens add it to the list, but still focus on one thing at a time.
Remember we hang clothes one at a time, and we successfully empty our luggage of things we don’t need so we can fill it with good things for the next adventure. You can unpack your emotional baggage the same way.
Acknowledge and Communicate the Emotion
As you are going through your emotional baggage piece by piece, you will experience emotions that are linked to whatever issue you are dealing with. Acknowledge and communicate those emotions. That’s the only true way that you can process and heal. It’s also the only way your spouse will truly know what is going on, and how to help.
As we are walking through this process your marriage needs to be a safe space. When you are triggered, instead of reacting you need to respond to your spouse and let them know what you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to be angry, go for it, but be sure your anger is aimed at the right target. It’s ok to experience whatever emotion you need to as long as you don’t view your spouse as the enemy. Talk through all the emotions with them so they will know how to better help you.
Don’t over complicate the communication here. One way you can keep it very simple is by making “I feel” statements. For example- if you know abandonment is a part of your emotional baggage instead of being angry and yelling at your spouse you could say:
“When you didn’t call or text me back, I felt scared that you left me.”
This not only gives you the opportunity to express your fears and emotions, it gives your spouse the opportunity to speak truth into those fears.
Make Special Accommodations
Now that you have identified some problem areas, and you have started communicating those issues and your emotions to your spouse, you can establish a plan of action.
This may mean that you and your spouse do and say things differently than other couples around you. What is ok for others, may not be ok for your relationship, but here’s the truth about that.
Your marriage and your spouse are worth whatever changes need to be made.
I love what Gary Chapman said in “The Five Languages of Apology.”
“The idea that we only need to make changes when we are doing something morally wrong is erroneous. In healthy marriages, we often make changes that have nothing to do with morality but everything to do with building a harmonious marriage.”
If a change will bring peace and harmony to your marriage, it doesn’t matter how silly it may sound or if other people agree, make the change.
Protect Each Other and Your Marriage at all Cost
Alex and I have done this in our relationship, and it has been so beneficial. Some people have questioned us on why we do things certain ways. We simply explain that we do things this way to protect our marriage and each other.
For example, when Alex and I have an argument neither one of us leave the house. We may go into another room, or walk around outside, but no one gets in a car and actually leaves.
Alex does this for me. During one of our first arguments, he went for a drive to clear his head. I didn’t know that would affect me the way it did. As soon as he left, I was instantly filled with fear that he would never come back.
Was it morally wrong that he went for a drive to calm down? Absolutely not, but it caused me fear. So, we created a rule that would benefit our marriage.
We have had a few more arguments in the 11 years we have been together, but since that one, he has not left our property. Because of that I have not experienced the fear I did that day.
So, look at your own relationship and create whatever accommodations are necessary to improve your relationship.
There is a great deal of healing and peace that comes to marriage when a few intentional changes are made.
Go to Therapy
There are some issues that are easily handled at home. However, some issues can be deeply rooted. It’s ok to acknowledge the fact that you need help dealing with it. If you find yourself in a situation where your emotional baggage is simply too overwhelming for you and your spouse to handle alone, get help.
Find a therapist, pastor, mentor, or all of the above. Do whatever it takes to get the healing you need. Your wellbeing, your marriage, and your spouse are worth every bit of work that needs to be done.
It’s not shameful to get help. It’s brave!
Free Indeed
The enemy wants to keep us caged and in a cycle of destructive behavior. He wants us to believe that our past can dictate our future, and that there is nothing we can do to change that. The truth is our past can be detrimental to our future, but only if we let it.
John 8:36 says, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
Because of Jesus we can walk in victory. We can be free from past experiences, and destructive behaviors. Partner with Jesus, your spouse, and any other help you may need. Dive into the Word of God and learn about the abundant life that was purchased for you on the cross.
You can be free and your marriage can thrive.
Now let’s start unpacking!
For 5 ways to love your spouse well as you unpack emotional baggage check out our blog “The 5 Acts of Love”