Hello Everyone,
Everyone that goes into marriage does so a little blind. Most of us did not get a crash course in marriage before we jumped in, and there certainly wasn’t a handbook issued on the wedding day. Regardless of that most couples go into marriage extremely hopeful, and excited about the future. It’s an exciting time. I look back on our wedding day so fondly. I had no idea at the time, but that was the first day of the greatest adventure of my life.
It’s important in a marriage to seek help, and advice. We are firm believers in the fact that you and your spouse should not try to figure out everything on your own. Marriage should not be an island. In fact, nothing in our lives should be that isolating. Adonai created us to thrive and grow within the beautiful system of community.
However not all community is good, and not all advice is wisdom.
As important as it is for a couple to invest in their marriage, it’s equally important to make sure the people and advice they are listening to is solid, biblically sound, and will benefit them in the long run. Not all advice is good advice. Not all people should be allowed to speak into your marriage, this may include friends, family, and even those in your community.
So how do we know what to do? Who should we listen to, and what advice should we take?
The answer to those questions is quite simple but it does take work on our part. We must run everything and everybody through the filter of God’s Word. This is exactly what Paul teaches us to do in 1 Thessalonians 5.
We ask you, brothers, to respect those who are working hard among you, those who are guiding you in the Lord and confronting you in order to help you change. Treat them with the highest regard and love because of the work they are doing. Live at peace among yourselves; but we urge you, brothers, to confront those who are lazy, your aim being to help them change, to encourage the timid, to assist the weak, and to be patient with everyone. See that no one repays evil for evil; on the contrary, always try to do good to each other, indeed, to everyone. Always be joyful. Pray regularly. In everything give thanks, for this is what God wants from you who are united with the Messiah Yeshua. Don’t quench the Spirit, don’t despise inspired messages. But do test everything — hold onto what is good but keep away from every form of evil. May the God of shalom make you completely holy — may your entire spirit, soul and body be kept blameless for the coming of our Lord Yeshua the Messiah. The one calling you is faithful, and he will do it. (Verses 12-24 Emphasis Mine)
In this passage, Paul encourages us to be in community, to respect the ones over us, and to be an active part in helping others. He does not tell us to take everything we see and hear as pure truth. He tells us to test EVERYTHING.
The truth is some advice that sounds good and Biblical is not!
We have heard a lot of really good advice in the 14 years we have been married, but we have also heard some bad advice as well. Over the years, we have noticed that there is some advice that is commonly spread especially within the Christian community that sounds good on paper but does not stand up to the test of Scripture. We want to take some time to expose and debunk some of that advice. Our goal here is to show you how to filter everything through God’s Word. That way you will not solely rely on someone else to tell you what is true. As you seek to invest in your marriage, you will know what advice to take, and what will not benefit you.
Debunking Bad Marriage Advice #1:
God wants you to be happy, and not miserable.
At a glance this looks like some solid and Biblical advice. God is love. A God of love would not want His children to be miserable; He would want them happy… right?!?
Part of this is true, God does not desire for any of us to be miserable. Just as a healthy parent does not want their children to be miserable. However, happiness is not God’s ultimate goal for our lives, holiness is. We find this call to holiness in both the Old Testament and the New Testament. It is a running theme throughout Scripture. It is a call to be set apart, to be different, to be special. Holiness is a fixed target set by God. We move toward it through obedience.
Happiness on the other hand is a feeling, a fleeting feeling at that. It is a constant moving bullseye that that can be missed by a thousand different reasons, one being that what makes you happy may not be what makes your spouse happy. Holiness is a destination, one where you grow and transform as you and your spouse are moving in the same direction together, because we don’t determine what makes us holy, Adonai does. Happiness can literally change by the second because there is not set standard. Half the time, we don’t even know what will make us happy.
Given the opportunity we as humans will always choose the path of least resistance. It sounds like wisdom, doesn’t it? Take the easy path, the safe path, the quickest path… but one look in the Bible shows us that seldom to never does that path produces the qualities we need to be transformed into God’s image.
Take a moment, get your Bibles out and do a scan of some of the main characters. Ask yourself… What did their lives look like? Did they struggle at times? Were they chasing happiness or holiness? What was the outcome of what they were chasing?
One of the detrimental aspects of pursuing solely happiness in a marriage is we can use it as a “get out of jail free” card. If this marriage isn’t bringing me happiness and God wants me to be happy, then that means God will be ok with me finding someone else that will make me happy. This thought process if not filter through Scripture gives us the ability to be extremely selfish. It becomes all about what I want, not what my marriage needs or what God desires for me and my spouse.
Can happiness be a part of your journey to holiness? Absolutely!
In Joshua 1, Adonai tells Joshua exactly what he needs to do to walk through His life.
Only be very strong, and resolute to observe diligently the Torah which Moses, My servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right or to the left, so you may be successful wherever you go. This book of the Torah should not depart from your mouth—you are to meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. For then you will make your ways prosperous and then you will be successful. (Verses 7-8)
A life of holiness require action on our part. We have to start by studying and knowing the Word of God in order to test everything that we see and hear. You cannot hold things up to a standard if you do not know what the standard is. After that, we have to actually apply the Biblical wisdom to our lives, we have to be obedient to God and what He instructs us to do. Being a part of God’s Kingdom is a beautiful balance of obedience and grace.
Below are some great ways to start investing in your marriage and we also shared past blog post that can help you get started in these areas.
- Getting into God’s Word together
- Praying together
- Creating a foundation of friendship in your marriage.
- Finding ways to communicate well with your spouse
Join the conversation as Alex and I dive into this more on Episode 58 of the A Beautiful Adventure Marriage Podcast.