Hello Friends,

Every marriage is different. Everyone has uniqueness they bring into their marriage that makes it special. We should be thankful for this. How boring would life be if everyone and every marriage looked the same? Being different is a gift; however, there are certain things every marriage should avoid.

As the years pass in marriage it’s easy to get passive in certain behaviors. While little slips here and there may happen, we need to be vigilant about keeping those slips to a minimum for the health of our relationship. Although no one is perfect, there are certain behaviors that everyone should avoid at all costs. Certain behaviors only bring destruction to marriage. Let’s look at a few of them.

12 Things to Avoid in Marriage

Constant Criticism and Belittling

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29

Criticism and belittling create an atmosphere of constant negativity. Let’s be honest, is there anyone on this planet who only wants to hear what they do wrong all the time? Probably not! Another problem with constant criticism and belittling is the person goes from hearing that they are doing something wrong to hearing there is something wrong with them. Criticizing and belittling each other will never bring healthy change in a marriage. It will not only destroy the marriage, but it can also destroy the self-worth of the person who is constantly exposed to it.

Being Secretive and Lying

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. 1 Peter 2:1

Secrets and lies are dangerous in a marriage. Now, we aren’t talking about secrets or small lies about something good like a birthday or surprise. We are discussing withholding information or intentionally giving false information to your spouse. The problem with secrets is we usually keep them when we know we are doing something we should not be doing. Secrets can also lead to full-blown lying as well. Secrets and lying can break trust in a marriage quickly, and a marriage without trust is not a marriage that can be sustained for long.

Silent Treatment

Just like we should avoid withholding information in our marriage, we should not quit talking to our spouse for extended periods. So many people use this when they are angry with each other. Although taking a break from an argument can be very beneficial, we always need to come back and find closure. Going for days or even weeks in a marriage without communicating will never bring restoration, it will only widen division in your relationship. If you need a moment, communicate that, but don’t use the silent treatment.

For tips on how to communicate better with your spouse check out our blog, Constructive Ways to Communciate. During times of disagreement, good communication does not have to stop. This blog shows you have to communicate constructively during those difficult times.

Holding Grudges

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15

In marriage hurts will happen. There are no perfect people, no one gets it right 100% of the time. That is why forgiveness is so very important between a husband and a wife. When these hurts happen, we cannot hold grudges and constantly bring up the past. Being historical will never bring healing to a relationship. Being historical and holding grudges will never bring anything to a relationship besides conflict and division. Grudges are like constant criticism, no one wants to be reminded of a time they messed up. In marriage, some hurts are difficult to deal with, if that is the case get whatever help is necessary to find forgiveness because grudges are not the answer.

Confiding Too Much in Others

Having a mentor, someone you can go to for wisdom and guidance is amazing. Everyone and every marriage needs mentors. However, there is a difference between anyone who will listen and a good mentor. There is also a difference between going to someone for guidance and going to someone to complain and vent. We should protect our marriages by being selective in who we confide in, especially if that person is of the opposite sex. We should avoid going to someone simply to complain about our marriage or share the shortcomings of our spouse. If there is a problem, figure it out with your spouse, or go together to a mentor, counselor, or pastor. Constantly confiding in someone other than your spouse can lead to some serious issues that can destroy a marriage.

Giving Ultimatums

An ultimatum is a final and uncompromising demand. When a person issues an ultimatum, they are saying, “I don’t care what you want or think, you will do this my way or else.” Read that sentence again. Does this sound like an attitude that would create a healthy and happy marriage? Of course not! Marriage is about communication and compromise. It’s two people working together as a team and finding ways to do life together in a harmonious way. Ultimatums will never bring harmony to a marriage. It will only bring manipulation, control, and frustration.

Disrespect and Name Calling

Conflict is inevitable and arguments will happen in marriage. Although these moments will happen you and your spouse can still maintain a level of composure. There should be boundaries in your marriage that will help you to keep that composure in difficult times. In conflict or not, you should never be disrespectful to your spouse. Respect should be shown both in public and in private. One way you can show respect is by choosing your words wisely. Name-calling is detrimental to a relationship. It’s a level of disrespect that will slowly and effectively destroy a marriage.

Unfaithfulness

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4

When you say, “I do”, you are committing solely to be with one person for the rest of your life.
Unfortunately, in our world, the covenant of marriage isn’t taken seriously. Some people go into
marriage with no intention of remaining faithful, other couples make the decision together to be unfaithful openly. Regardless of the uniqueness of every marriage, sleeping with someone else is wrong and will bring nothing but damage to your marriage. God intended marriage to be between one man and one woman. Marriage in itself is a ministry, but only when we honor our vows by remaining faithful to God and each other.

Putting Children/Others Before Your Spouse

In Biblical order, our spouse comes before everyone but God. However, there are a lot of people who get this one out of order. No one should come before your spouse and that includes children, friends, and family. This is not to say that you do not love those people well, it just means they are not your number one priority 100% of the time. You should have a spouse-focused marriage, not a child, friend, or family-focused one. For you parents out there, believe me when I say that your children will benefit from you putting your marriage in this order. This will also let them see what a healthy marriage looks like so they can have one in the future.

Using Sex as a Weapon

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5

Within a marriage sex is a gift. It was given to us by a good God. Because sex is so important in a
marriage it should never be used as a weapon. We should avoid withholding sex from our spouses to punish them or teach them a lesson. A lot of marriages have ended because of unfaithfulness. In some
of those marriages, unfaithfulness happened because sex was not happening in the relationship. Don’t
make this vital mistake in your relationship. If there is conflict work through it, punishing your
spouse is wrong and will never bring positive results.

Never Spending Time Together

Marriage can be so much fun. You get to do life with your best friend. However, that particular bond
cannot form if you and your spouse never spend time together. A packed schedule can be a threat to a
marriage. If you have absolutely no free time to spend time with your spouse, your marriage will suffer in the long run. You fell in love with your spouse by spending time with them, and your marriage will only grow if you continue to spend time with them.

Always Avoid Abuse

Although some of the things mentioned are forms of abuse, we still wanted to take a
moment and emphasize that all abuse is wrong. Not only should we avoid abuse, it should not be tolerated in a marriage at all. There are so many different forms of abuse that it would be impossible to name them all. However, if you find yourself in a position where physical, verbal, or emotional abuse is present please get help. Please do not stay in a dangerous environment. That is not normal, and you do not desire that!

Marriage can be a beautiful thing, but it won’t be if the things mentioned above are happening! It may that some work to change things around, but your marriage is worth it!