Hello friends, in our last blog, we talked about Boundaries in Marriage. We broke down several definitions of boundaries, and we concluded that when used in a healthy way, boundaries can be beneficial to a marriage in multiple ways and in multiple areas.
However, boundaries can be difficult in marriage. Typically, someone who loves boundaries marries someone who doesn’t. This makes finding common ground challenging. That is why we gave you areas in marriage where boundaries could be applied and a Biblical reference for each one. Those areas included…
- In-Laws and other Family Members (Genesis 2:24)
- Communication (Ephesians 4:29)
- Money (Hebrews 13:5)
- Friends and Work Relationship (Proverbs 4:23)
- Personal (Psalm 139:14)
- Intimacy (Hebrews 13:4)
Although this is not an exhaustive list or listed in any certain order, these are common areas where conflict can arise if healthy boundaries are not put into place. We believe that if you can get boundaries put in place in these areas and enforce them you will inevitably see your marriage improve and start to thrive.
Why these Areas?
Have you ever heard of Biblical order? There is a high possibility that this may be new to you because this is not taught a lot. Biblical order basically sets the order of importance and priority we should show to the relationships in our lives. According to the Biblical model this is how we should prioritize our lives- God, spouse, children, parents, extended family, brothers and sisters in Christ, and then the rest of the world.
Some people have issues with the order of this list, but we assure you two things:
First, this is Biblical based, and you can find scripture to back this up.
Secondly, if you get your relationships in this order of importance by establishing boundaries to protect it, you will find an abundance you didn’t think would be possible. Everyone you come in contact with should get the same version of you, but not everyone desires the same depth of you, and that includes close relationships.
The bottom line is this…
Our Creator knows what is best for us. It is only when we get in His alignment that we can find the peace that He desires for us to live in.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Although our list is in no specific order, we did list “in-laws and other family members” as the first area to look at intentionally. It’s the most important area because these are the relationships that are the closest to you and your marriage. Getting those relationships in order is hard but necessary.
So how do we do this? How did we start to set those boundaries?
The good news is the process of setting boundaries isn’t hard! It really only involves two steps!
Step 1: Discuss the “What” and the “Why”
To begin with, you and your spouse will have to sit down and have a conversation about the “what and why”. What boundaries do we want set? Why do we think they need to be set?
The “why” is an especially critical step in the process. Whether you struggle with boundaries or not, it’s easier to work together as a team if you know the “why” behind something.
So, what would this look like for these areas?
- In-Laws/Family Members
- What? We will not discuss our arguments with our family members.
- Why? Because being objective is hard for family members, and they may not forgive or forget.
- Communication
- What? We will not name-call or be demeaning to one another, especially during heated conversations.
- Why? Because we want to maintain a level of respect and honor in our relationship regardless of the situation.
- Money
- What? We will discuss all purchases over “X” amount prior to making them.
- Why? Because we both need to be on the same page as far as finances are concerned.
- Friends and Work Relationship
- What? Because we spend a great deal of time with these people, these relationships will be extremely transparent to our spouses. They can see any and all communication that happens between co-workers and friends.
- Why? Because affairs don’t start by accident, and protecting our marriage is our top priority- not work or outside friendships.
- Personal
- What? At least once a month we will do something that brings life to us as an individual.
- Why? Doing things that bring life or making time for hobbies is important.
- Intimacy
- What? We will stay faithful and only have an intimate relationship with each other.
- Why? Our marriage is a covenant, and our vows should be honored.
Step 2: Don’t Apologize to Anyone for these Boundaries.
Once you and your spouse are on the same page, don’t negotiate with, compromise for, or apologize to anyone. There will be people both in your family and in your friend group that do not understand why you and your spouse have these boundaries in place. They don’t have to! They don’t have to understand, and they especially do not have to agree.
If the boundaries are agreed upon between you and your spouse and it is helping your marriage, that’s all that matters.
Alex and I have found that a lot of people want what we have but few are willing to do what we do. Even fewer understand or agree with our boundaries. We have been questioned and ridiculed about the way we live our lives, but at the end of the day we are happy, and our marriage is growing.
So once you have these boundaries in place, stand strong!
Boundaries are hard, and sometimes the people in our lives make them harder but your marriage is worth it.