Hello Friends,
God, getcha boy!
That was the three-word prayer I prayed as I stepped into our bedroom and slammed the door behind me. Looking back I cannot even remember what the argument was about, but I remember the emotions I felt. I was angry, frustrated, and fully convinced that Alex was wrong and I was right.
As I walked around our bedroom fuming, a hint of pride came up in me. Here I was “seeking the Father” in this situation. How holy I was to be “praying” for my husband. Surely he would be coming through the door any minute to apologize for his wrongdoings. Alex didn’t come through the door. But what happened next stopped me in my tracks and all those prideful thoughts vanished.
I heard God’s soft voice whisper to me, “You let me worry about Alex, but let’s talk about you instead.”. He then showed me the ways I had handled the situation poorly.
After my time with the Lord, it was me walking through the door seeking forgiveness. The Lord taught me in that situation (and many more) that although I may not be able to always control the situation, I do have the power to control something… me.
The Blame Game
If you are like the majority of married couples you can see all the flaws and shortcomings in your spouse. It may be very easy for you to point the finger and tell them all the things they should do better. It is not so easy to own up to your side of the conflict or to take a good look at your own shortcomings. The “Blame Game” is much easier to play than taking on personal responsibility. In fact, we can trace the “Blame Game” all the way back to the first marriage ever.
When they heard the sound of God strolling in the garden in the evening breeze, the Man and his Wife hid in the trees of the garden, hid from God. God called to the Man: “Where are you?” He said, “I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid.” God said, “Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat from that tree I told you not to eat from?” The Man said, “The Woman you gave me as a companion, she gave me fruit from the tree, and, yes, I ate it.” God said to the Woman, “What is this that you’ve done?” “The serpent seduced me,” she said, “and I ate.” Genesis 3:8-13
Adam nor Eve when faced with their sin took personal responsibility, they both chose to point the finger at the other. So we can look at this and see that blaming others is like a default setting for us. It’s the easy thing to do and it will be what we do if we do not make a choice to act differently. So let’s talk about ways we can go against the default.
The Power of One
In “The DNA of Relationship” Dr. Gary Smalley breaks down how we can reset our default setting but using the Power of One. Although no one wants to own up to the fact that they have a part to play in the conflict, that is exactly what we will have to do if we want a healthy and thriving marriage.
In marriage you have two imperfect people coming together under one roof. Very seldom does a conflict occur because it is the 100% fault of just one person. Typically both husband and wife have a part to play in the problem.
The awesome news by applying the power of one, you can not only bring healing to your marriage, but you can also grow as a person. Let’s break this down.
How to Use the Power of One
Take Control of Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Actions
When you focus your attention on what the other person is doing you take away your power. When you focus on yourself rather than on the other person, you vastly increase your odds of being able to enjoy some impact and influence over the relatioship problem that bothers you.
Dr. Gary Smalley
Try as we might we cannot force someone to change, but we can change ourselves. We can take control over our thoughts, feelings, and actions. The truth is whatever you spend your time thinking eventually turns into actions. If you spend your time thinking about how horrible your spouse is (and how good you are) your actions will convey that message.
Instead, let’s turn the magnifying glass back at ourselves. Let’s take a good look at what we are thinking about. When we turn the focus on how to improve ourselves the Lord can bring change.
Take Control of Your Buttons and Don’t Allow Others to Control Your Feelings
I once had a psychology professor tell our class that no one had the ability to upset him because he simply did not allow them to have that kind of power over him. As a girl in my early 20s, I thought he was insane. I didn’t understand that I had that kind of power. Looking back almost 20 years later I see how much wisdom that man had.
We all have buttons. The ones that make us act like crazy people once they get pushed. Some of us have one button and others have several. We can’t always take the buttons away but we can make it extremely difficult for someone to find them. We have the power to control our buttons and not allow other people to control our feelings.
Imagine yourself in a power struggle, a conflict that really makes you upset. If you want to remain powerless, you let the other person determine how you feel and how you react. Or you could remind yourself that in a tug-of-war it takes only one person to drop the rope in order for the game to end.
Dr. Gary Smalley
Although I realize this is easier to say than to do, it is in our ability to control our reactions. The situation may be genuinely upsetting, but we have the power to respond in a different way if we want a different outcome. It just takes making a decision and sticking to it regardless of the situation or feelings we may have.
Give It Up
It is time for us to give up on trying to control our spouses and instead focus on taking personal responsibility. When we give up all the finger-pointing and hard feelings, we aren’t saying our spouses are perfect, we are just choosing to focus our attention on the person we can actually change- ourselves.
In most cases, over time, when our spouses see the positive changes we are making it will prompt them to change as well, BUT if it doesn’t continue on! The truth is the only thing that can bring us true joy and contentment is God anyway. Give all your expectations to God and let Him control your life and marriage.
God deeply loves you and your spouse. He wants the best for both of you. Continue to press into Him regard of your situation and in the end, you will become a better person, and we pray your marriage will become better as well.
You can do this!
We are praying for you!
Check our The Marriage Tool Kit for four tools you can use to improve yourself and your marriage.