Hello Friends,
Complaining. Although everyone on the planet is guilty of complaining from time to time, it seems here in the last few years, it has become easier and easier to find something negative to complain about. Is anyone else feeling this way? I, Tara, have always considered myself a positive person, but I am going to be fully transparent and say the last few years have proven otherwise for me. I find myself going into situations prepared for the negative, looking for things I do not like, and someone I can voice those complaints to. In the last few months especially, I have struggled with this.
The Problem With Complaining
The problem with complaining is what it accomplishes in your life. At a glance, I believed that it was harmless and accomplished nothing – it was just a way for me to vent. However, complaining does accomplish a lot. It makes you constantly aware of the negative. That, in turn, affects your mind and emotions which not only changes you personally, but professionally as well. It doesn’t stop there. It can then affect your immune system, which could lead to health problems. If that wasn’t enough negativity, complaining is contagious. Other people catch “the bug” and the cycle begins in their lives as well.
Complaining In Marriage
Then, there is your marriage. It is the one thing that probably suffers the most. Your spouse gets the majority of the complaining and negativity. Even if it is not geared at them directly, they will be affected by it. It is something that happens all the time.
But let’s be real for a minute, when it comes to complaining in marriage, the complaining and negativity are usually geared towards our spouses. In fact, this is the exact reason we started A Beautiful Adventure Marriage to begin with. We started noticing how unhappy married couples were and how the world presented marriage in a negative way. We started this ministry with the goal of shining a positive light on marriage, to show people marriage is not only a good idea, but could be the most beautiful adventure ever.
So Where Do We Start?
Our adventure starts when we stop complaining about our marriages and our spouses. It will then start rippling into our personal and professional lives as well. Being mindful of complaining and then changing it really isn’t that hard. We just have to be intentional. Alex and I had a person in our lives who recommended Jon Gordon and his books. He predominately talks about the power of positivity and all the effects it can have in our lives. Below we are going to share the “No Complaining Rule” we have learned from him. By following this rule, you will not only impact your marriage, but your life, too.
The No Complaining Rule
Do not let unwholesome [foul, profane, worthless, vulgar] words ever come out of your mouth, but only such speech as is good for building up others, according to the need and the occasion, so that it will be a blessing to those who hear [you speak]. – Ephesians 4:29
The No Complaining Rule is pretty simple – you don’t complain. But as I am sure you already know, just because something is simple, does not make it easy to do. Listed below are three easy steps from Jon’s book that can help you and your spouse live a life without complaining.
The “But, [Positive]” Technique
Complaining always starts with a negative thought. If we can change our thoughts, we can change the way we speak. When a negative thought pops into your head, add “BUT,” then change it to a positive. For example:
- My spouse never helps me around the house BUT they are a hard worker and they provide for our family
- My spouse is always distracted BUT they are taking care of the children and managing our house well
These negative thoughts may be the truth, but by adding the positive thought, we can appreciate our spouses for their good qualities. Instead of just complaining about the bad, we can be proactive in building up our spouse (Ephesians 4:29).
Focus On The “Get To” Instead Of The “Have To”
How many times a day have we used the phrase “I have to…?”
“I have to go to work today. I have to go get groceries. I have to clean the house.” These are just a few I have used this week, and I’m sure there are many more. By changing the phrase “I have to” into “I get to” changes our perspective. For me, it also helps when I add “why I get to,” to these statements. It helps change my perspective from negative to positive.
- I get to go to work today, and I am thankful to have a job that supports me and my family
- I get to go buy groceries today and I am thankful we will have food on the table
- I get to clean this house and I am thankful for a safe and welcoming place that I can call mine
By changing the word “have” to “get,” we can radically change how you perceive your life. Perception is key – if you are focusing on the positive, you will become a more positive person.
Turn Complaints Into Solutions
Not all complaining is bad. There are always things that genuinely need changing and that is especially true in marriage. Marriage is a journey, not a destination. You and your spouse grow as the years go by, but how do we use complaining in a positive way?
Jon Gordon calls positive complaining “justified complaining.” This type of complaining identifies a problem, but only to help provide an opportunity to move in the direction of a solution.
Justified complaining says, “Yes, we have a problem, now how can we fix it?” – it’s proactive. So if there is something in your life or marriage that needs to change, address it, but only from a place of wanting to find the solution. Use this type of complaining to sit down with your spouse and establish a plan to fix the weak spots in your marriage.
Start Today, Try Again Tomorrow
Above, you have three simple strategies that can change your perspective on life and marriage. Remember, “simple” does not always mean “easy,” but don’t give up. Start today and watch how these three things can turn your life and your marriage into one you enjoy living. When you fail, try again tomorrow. You won’t just wake up one day and never complain again, but with a little intentionality, you can become a more positive person.
Like marriage, following this rule is a journey, not a destination.
You got this!
We are praying for you!