Hello Friends,
Comparison. It is something we have all found ourselves doing from time to time, especially in a social media world. With just a few clicks you are bombarded with the absolute best of everyone’s seemingly perfect lives. We see “perfect” marriages, jobs, kids, spouses, and vacations, and it is easy to compare our lives to the lives of others.
Comparison leads to two different reactions.
One, you feel as if you life does not measure up to the other person. You walk away feeling defeated.
Or, you think your life is WAY BETTER than the other person and you walk away with a superiority complex.
Either way you walk away, you have been effected in a negative way when you compare your life to that of others. And there is a reason for that.
The Problems with Comparison
Comparison takes our deficiencies and measures them against someone else’s highlight reel.
~ Dave Barringer author of The Danger of Comparison in Marriage
There are several problems with comparison because it is not an accurate measurement. Let’s talk about some of the problems that come with comparison.
First, We do not need to compare ourselves or our marriages to others because we are all unique. God created us and our spouses with special gifts and abilities on purpose. He wants us to be original not a remix of someone else.
Secondly, we do not have all the facts of the person we are comparing ourselves to so we are working with only partial information. We only see the perfect sides of the other people. We don’t see their weaknesses, shortcomings, or struggles. Case in point… let’s look at this picture.
Alex and I recently did a 50-mile bike ride. This picture was taken after we had ridden 52 miles on our bikes. We were extremely tired, sweaty, and quite frankly, waddled when we tried to walk. We trained for 2 months for this day but the ride was still challenging. There were multiple times we both wanted to just quit. However, you don’t see any of that in this picture. You see a smiling couple with shiny medals. It would be easy to think that we got here easily… we didn’t.
My point- people only share the moments they want people to see. There is a lot left unseen. Yet we are comparing ourselves to only the “seen” parts and because of that we think we are not good enough.
Unfortunately, comparison does not stop there… it brings with it things that can be dangerous to our marriages.
The Dangers of Comparison
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us Hebrews 12:1
There are a lot of problems with comparison but there are also dangers to comparing ourselves and our marriages to others. God created each of us with a specific race to run. He gave us the gifts and abilities that we need to finish our race strong. The same is true with our spouses. When we come together as husband and wife we become one. We become the only couple just like us, and that is a beautiful thing.
The enemy understands how powerful a husband and wife can be when they are not weighed down with comparison so he spends a lot of time keeping us focused on the wrong things. He keeps us using a faulty measurement system so we will never measure up.
The danger comes because comparison does not travel alone. Comparison likes to bring his friends to the party.
Discontentment
When we measure our “real” marriage against the picture-perfect marriage of others it is easy to believe that we fall short. We then start viewing everything about our marriage through the lens of discontentment. We put all these unrealistic expectations on ourselves and our spouses… expectations which are usually excommunicated. Discontentment and unrealistic expectations can completely steal our joy. We then go from being happily married to seeing all the things we perceive as being wrong with it.
Resentment
Once discontentment sets in resentment is soon to follow. We resent our spouses for not being like the perfect spouses we see all around us. We start making passive aggressive comments, or straight out blunt comments about how we wish they were like so and so. So now our spouses are feeling rejected and they may even start comparing themselves to that other person as well. Enter discontentment for them as well. See how this can be a cancerous cycle?
Deception
Finally if this discontentment and resentment is not taken care of people reach out to others. We starts lying about who with are with or who we are talking too. Situations like this are how affairs and divorces happen. We only see what our spouse is lacking (or what we perceive that are lacking). We no longer focus on what is good about then but just the negative. After awhile we start looking for someone else that we think has it all together.
Scary But Truth
I think if we traced back the events that lead to couples separating or cheating on their spouses we would find that it started very innocently. It started by comparing our marriages to the ones we saw around us. They focused on the high light reel of a couple and measured it against the real reel of their marriage. When the truth is that other couple is not always shiny and perfect. They just portrait that side.
Don’t Compare Yourself to Others
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:14
In our next blog, we are going to talk about ways to stop comparing ourselves and our marriages to others. But in the meantime, I want to leave you with this thought. When you compare yourself and your marriage to others, you are robbing the world of an amazing gift. That gift is you. That gift is your marriage. You and your spouse were created by a loving Daddy God who looked at the world and thought. “The world needs a (insert your name).” He then went a step further and created a spouse that would come alongside you through this life. So God was saying, “The world will be a better place with (insert both your names) being together. How beautiful is that?!?
There are things only you and your spouse can do! Go be yourself and run your race, unweighed down by comparison and all the dangers that come with it.
You can do this!
We are praying for you!
Looking for more information about the dangers of comparison? Check out this article by Outreach Magazine.
For more marriage resources catch out our book and marriage reading plan.