Hello Friends,
Forgiveness is very important to a marriage. We know this on a basic level. We know that in order for a marriage (or any relationship) to thrive forgiveness has to be given and received. What we don’t have an understanding of is how to properly give and receive forgiveness.
You Can’t Do What You Haven’t Been Taught
Yes, we have been taught that forgiveness is important but have you ever been truly taught how to give a proper apology. Probably not! I’m sure you remember being told as a child, “say you’re sorry”, but there is so much more to an apology than just those two little words.
In fact, those two words get thrown around so much with no meaning that most people do not really mean it when they say them. Because of that, the other person definitely doesn’t believe it when they hear it.
Empty Words Lead to Unhealthy Marriage
One of the many reasons apologizes are falling short is there are no actions behind the words. The person says “I’m Sorry” and then goes about their life in the same matter as before. No changes happen after the apology so the relationship fails to grow in any way. The issues just keep piling up until one day the dam breaks. The relationship is deemed “incompatible” and the two people go their separate ways.
In these situations, forgiveness could be the difference between a thriving marriage and one in crisis. We just have to practice the art of apologizing well.
The Five Languages of Forgiveness
According to Gary Chapman in “The Five Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships,” there are five languages you can speak to ask for forgiveness in a meaningful way. These languages call for not only the correct words but genuine remorse, and action steps to walk out the apology. Let’s look at the five languages and see how we can apply them to our marriage.
For the sake of understanding the steps let’s look at each one from the standpoint of we have done something to our spouse that needs a genuine apology.
Express Regret
To begin a genuine apology we have to acknowledge a wrong occurred and feel remorse for what has been done. If you do not feel sorry for what you have done the apology will not be genuine at all. If your apology is not genuine it will not be received by the other person so no healing can take place. When expressing regret focus on the action and also on the feeling it may have caused. Don’t just say “I’m sorry” be specific and state what you are sorry for and also apologize for the way it made your spouse feel.
Accept Responsibility
There are two sides to every story, and very seldom is it just one person’s fault. You do not have to answer for your spouse but take ownership of the part you had to play in the situation. Don’t push it under the rug or shine a spotlight on the issues your spouse has, own up to your side of it.
Make Restitution
Let your spouse know that going forward you plan on not letting that behavior happen again. Ask them questions like, “What can I do to make this better?”. Once you have the answer to this question then take it a step further…
Planned Change
Let your spouse know what steps you plan on taking to safeguard against repeating the behavior. The fact that you listened to your spouse and developed a plan may come as a surprise to your spouse. Just be sure to walk out the plan. Don’t tell your spouse you are going to do something and then cause more damage by neglecting to do it.
Request Forgiveness
This is the part that most people neglect to do. After you have asked for forgiveness in a genuine way ask your spouse, “ Will you Forgive Me?”. This adds closure to the situation, and can also allow your spouse to voice their own apology if necessary.
Practice Makes Perfect
Love ought to manifest itself more by deeds than by words
Ignatius
I would love to say that it’s easy to ask someone to forgive you, but it really isn’t. This may seem a little overwhelming and maybe even a little overkill but forgiveness is not something to take lightly. No one likes to admit when they have messed up but it is necessary if our marriage is going to survive. You can see from the steps above that these kinds of apologies take some time and thought. It isn’t something you are just going to brush over quickly. That’s what makes it more genuine. These kinds of apologies show your spouse that you genuinely care about them and their feelings, and you want to make amends.
The Perfect Formula for Your Marriage
Ephesians 4 gives us a perfect formula for our marriage.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave us. Ephesians 4:32
Kindness + Compassion+ Forgiveness
If we can practice these three things with our spouse on a daily basis we will see our marriage grow. The more you practice forgiveness the easier it will be. The more kindness and compassion you show the fewer times you will have to ask for forgiveness. You will find yourself dealing with issues earlier instead of putting things off and allowing them to fester.
Many marriages have failed because forgiveness was not given or received. Don’t let your marriage be one of them.
You can do this!
We are praying for you!
Check out our book “A Beautiful Adventure Marriage,” for more ways to practice forgiveness in your marriage every day!