Hello Friends
Last week we went back to the basics. We looked up Paul’s definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13 and went through some ways we could apply patience and kindness to our marriages. To read last week’s blog click here. This week we are talking about what loves isn’t and certain rules we can put in place to help us love our spouse’s well even during conflict.
What Love Isn’t
Let’s jump back in to 1 Corinthians 13. In verse 5 we find out what love is not.
Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It isn’t rude; it is not self-seeking, it’s not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; love does not take into account a wrong endured. It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening]. Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Paul goes into a lot of detail on what love isn’t. He tells us it is not rude or selfish. We should not be harsh and demeaning to our spouses. However, Paul does not stop there, he takes it a step further and tells us love is not provoked which means to be easily angered. Let’s play close attention to his wording here. It does not say you will not get angry. He says you will not be easily angered.
Easily Angered
Will you have moments when you become anger at your spouse. Absolutely!
Disagreements and conflict in marriage are inevitable, but you do not have to get angry over every little thing. Your spouse should not have to walk on eggshells around you. They should not have to be perfect and never make a mistake. You should not be constantly on the lookout for something to get angry about. Being easily anger will in no way produce a happy marriage.
Instead, we should look for the good in our spouses. Conflict is inevitable there is no reason to go looking for it. Our marriage needs to be a safe place for both people, not a minefield where one wrong step can end in a casualty.
How Do I Fix This?
Maybe you find yourself in a minefield. Perhaps you are the one tiptoeing around or you may be the one lying in wait for your spouse to make a wrong move. Either way, you can change this in your marriage. How do you change your marriage from a minefield to a safe place? You have to establish some rules of engagement.
Rules of Engagement
Did you know that there are rules for combat? I had no idea until recently. I thought in war all bets were off and you could do anything and everything you wanted. However, that is not the case at all. The rules that are in place for combat are called rules of engagement.
rules of engagement (plural noun) a directive issued by a military authority specifying the circumstances and limitations under which forces will engage in combat with the enemy.
This rules are in place for several reasons- a few are listed below.
- Protecting both combatants and non-combatants from unnecessary suffering.
- Safeguarding certain fundamental human rights of persons who fall into the hands of the enemy
- Facilitating the restoration of peace.
These rules are in place so certain boundaries are not crossed and unnecessary suffering does not occur. I believe we should have our own version of these rules in our marriage. We know that conflict will come, why not be prepared for it? Why not be prepared to fight fair so you do not have to have regret later. Let’s look at some ways we can establish some rules in our marriage.
Establish Your Rules of Engagement
Create a Delete List
There are certain words or phrases we just know will anger our spouses if we say them. So, if we know this, why say them?
- Sit down with your spouse and create a list of words or phrases to be deleted from your vocabulary.
- Once this list is created put it in a place you can both see it as a reminder.
- Don’t fight over the list
- If your spouse asks for something to be put on the list go with it. Even if it doesn’t completely make sense to you. There maybe be a reason those words hurt them.
Create Battle Boundaries
Battle Boundaries are a list of rules you should follow during an argument. Warfare has rules why should our marriage be any different. For these rules to work two things have to happen.
- You have to set down with your spouse and come up with them as a team.
- Both of you need to agree on what the rules are so you both can follow them.
- You have to create this list during a time of peace.
- If you wait until you are angry it will do not good. Sit down and get your rules ahead of time so you can be more intentional about following.
If you make rules in times of peace, they will be easier to follow in times of struggle.
Alex Payne
Dig Up the Bombs
Stop looking for reasons to get angry with your spouse. To do that you need to do a little bit of an inventory.
- Are there things you have not forgiven your spouse for?
- If so, forgive them and move on
- Let go completely
- Once you have forgiven them, do not bring it back up. Even if it pops in your head it should not come out of your mouth.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and helpful to one another, tender-hearted [compassionate, understanding], forgiving one another [readily and freely], just as God in Christ also forgave you.
Start Looking for the Good
- Find the good qualities in your spouse and start focusing on them.
- Talk about the good things and bring them up in conversation instead of the bad.
Make Love Not War
In combat, rules are put in place to reduce unnecessary suffering, safeguard fundamental rights, and restore peace. We should have rules in our marriage that do the exact same things. We can be angry and not intentionally hurt our spouses. Disagreements can happen but we can still be civil. Peace can be found by following certain rules.
Establish your rules so your marriage can be a safe place not a minefield.
You can do this.
We are praying for you.
Another way to bring peace to your marriage is to check your attitude. Check our blog Your Attitude Determines Your Altitude.