Hello Friends
We hope you enjoyed part one of our interview with Amber and Cory. During the first blog and video, they gave us tips on how to stay connected to your spouse and love multiple children well. If you haven’t had a chance to read the first blog you can do so by clicking here.
During this blog, we are discussing how to keep intimacy alive, the importance of friendship, establishing non-negotiables, and other resources which will help you manage your marriage with children well. Let’s dive in!
Intimacy and Multiple Children
How do you keep sex and intimacy a priority?
Find a door that locks and a bed that doesn’t squeak! When the girls were smaller we would tell them that we needed to go talk or we would just wait for them to go to bed. The older they get, the more creative you have to be.
Something we’ve done is to keep a calendar and if it ever been too long since the last time we were together (you decide how long is too long), we would make a point to fix that. I’ve also heard of people putting a coin in a jar every time they were together as a visual reminder.
You also have to understand that intimacy does not necessarily mean sex. There are other ways to cultivate intimacy that can be done outside of the bedroom.
The Importance of Alone Time with the Lord
How do you have quiet time with Jesus?
We do pray every night as a family, but as far as time spent reading the Bible or in prayer outside of that moment is on our own. There have been times where I have told Cory that I am struggling with something and I need for him to pray for me and he has.
It is important that you never think your quiet time has to look a certain way. You can spend time with Jesus anywhere. I (Cory) like to spend time praying for my family on my way to work every day.
What about Your To-Do List?
How do you accomplish your to do list without help from others?
You don’t. 🙂 There is RARELY a moment when all of the clothes are clean and put away or the sink is empty. We both have jobs and the girls are both in sports, so we are busy. Cory works late, so once he comes home from work, we make it a point to spend that time together. I am not spending the 2 hours between him getting home and us going to bed doing anything but spending time with him. Things do get done, don’t get me wrong. Cory cuts the grass on his off day during the week while the girls and I are in school. I do housework on Saturdays while he is at work.
Together time is spent together though. The dishes and the laundry can wait.
Non-Negotiables
Do you have any non-negotiables and how does that play out in your marriage?
YES! Sunday is our day to be together. With his work schedule, Sunday is the only day we get to spend the whole day together. Don’t even ask one of us to hang out without the other one on a Sunday. Granted, there have been things that come up with work or whatever that had to be taken care of, but as a general rule… Sunday is our day and ain’t nobody messing with it.
We also have non-negotiables when it comes to our children. We don’t allow sleepovers unless we fully trust the parents of the other children. We have children at our house all of the time, but as far as our girls staying overnight with someone else…not so much. We have also set clear boundaries when it comes to who our children are alone with.
Friendships, Children, and Marriage
Have you lost friends because of kids and/or non-negotiables you have set?
Once you have children you definitely lose friends. That’s life. Priorities change…and they should. We have even lost family over non-negotiables that we have concerning our children. When we got married, we decided that even if it became “us against the world” we would still have us and that was enough.
We have gained friendships because of our children. The friends our girls hang out with have great parents and we have become friends with them because of that.
Is it hard to find time and friends to hang out with?
Yeah. We only have a handful of people that we hang out with anymore. Most of our time is spent with just the people that live in our house. There are some families that we hang out with, but we don’t really have many single friends or friends without children that we spend time with. We have “situational friends” (like at work) that we are cool with, but outside of the “situation”, we don’t spend time with them.
Final Thoughts
If there was one thing you could say to yourself when you first got together and started having children what would it be… what do you wish you knew then?
If you don’t want children, don’t let anybody -not your friend with a baby, not your momma wanting grandbabies, not anyone- convince you otherwise. They are WORK, and they are LIFETIME commitments. You don’t get to throw in the towel. Ever. They deserve better than that. We always knew that we wanted children, so that wasn’t an issue for us, but I did want to throw that out there. Kids aren’t for everybody.
Most importantly: Every kid is different. What works with the first one, might not work for the next one.
It’s ok to ask for help when you need it.
Resources
Amber and Cory gave us some great resources for marriage and for parenting as well. Below are the resources and the links where you can purchase them.
Intimate Encounters by David Ferguson
Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman
The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman
Praying Circles Around Your Children by Mark Batterson
You Can Do This
Guys, we hope you have enjoyed this month and the interviews with Amber and Cory! If you have any questions that we did not touch on shot us a message and we will forward it to them! We do not have all the answers but we can find someone who does! Remember children are good but hard. It’s ok to not have it all together and it’s ok to ask for help!
You can do this!
We are praying for you!
Check out the video that goes with this blog on our Facebook page and our Youtube channel.