Proverbs: How to Transform a Bad Temper

Hello Everyone,

In our last episode we talked about the two languages we find in the Bible, the Language of Life and the Language of Death. Adonai has given us freewill, so we get to choose which language we use. However, we also have to realize that we can bring either blessings or curses into our marriage, depending on our choice.

We broke down several different variations of each of the languages and discussed how they would affect your life and marriage whether that be in a positive or negative way.

Words Matter

Words and how they are communicated are so important especially in a marriage. What is a relationship other than one big conversation? You find a person that has common interests, and you spend time together, not in silence but by communicating. How ever we choose to hang out, talking is always involved. And based on that communication your relationship either grows or dies. Marriage is the ultimate relationship, so it makes sense that we need to communicate well in order for our relationship with our spouse to become better.

Because of the importance of words and the effect they have on marriage, we have spent a lot of time talking about communication in the past. In fact, we have a lot of resources on our website right now like The Break Down on Communication and Resolving the Circular Argument. We hope that you look into those and the other resources we offer, because they have really helped us in our own marriage journey. 

The Temper

An aspect of communication we have not touched on here, and honestly, I am surprised we haven’t because of the effect it can have on a marriage, is the temper. 

If you look up the definition of temper this is what you will find: a person’s state of mind seen in terms of their being angry or calm: a tendency to become angry easily: an angry state of mind:

Those definitions prompted some questions.

But before we share the questions and what we learned I want to share a study tip with you that can help unlock a lot of insight when studying God’s Word. 

Ask the questions even if you think you know what the answer is. 

We touched on this a little bit in the episode we did introducing Proverbs. Hebraic thinking never stops asking the questions- even if they think they already know the answer, they continually ask the questions because there is always more to learn.

As you do this you will be surprised what you can learn from asking the question and then looking into the answer instead of just assuming you know what it is. You may be right sometimes, there may be other times that you are actually wrong, or there may be times in the middle when you knew a little but by studying it out you get a deeper picture into what the Lord is trying to say.

We have experienced all three and it has made our study time very exciting. So ask the questions, look up the definitions, and study the Hebrew and Greek that the Bible was originally written in, you will be surprised at what you find.

So let’s get back to the questions, the first one that came to mind from reading the definitions of temper was…

“What exactly is a state of mind?” 

I learned that it is the overall emotional state or position that a person is in. It’s the emotional state that they stay in the most. So, if someone has a good temper they are in a good place mentally and emotionally the majority of the time. They have bad moments like everyone but they don’t live there. If someone has a bad temper they are not in a good mental or emotional place and they will be prone to outburst of negative emotions, because their mind is predominantly staying in a negative space.

This led me to the conclusion that if we respond out of our state of mind, then it’s important that we steward that part of our lives well. So, this raised more questions.

Let’s dive in!

Does the Bible say anything about the temper or being in an angry state of mind?

The Bible has a good bit to say about this subject. Let’s start in Proverbs and see where it takes us.

One with a short temper acts foolishly, and one with crafty schemes is hated. Proverbs 14:17

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but one who is slow to anger calms a quarrel. Proverbs 15:18

Better to be slow to anger than a mighty warrior. One who controls his temper is better than one who conquers a city. Proverbs 16:32

One with great rage will pay a penalty. For if you rescue him, you will have to do it again. Proverbs 19:19

Know this, my dear brothers and sisters: let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for human anger doesn’t produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger settles in the bosom of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:9

Are there consequences for having a bad temper?

As you can see the Bible says a lot about the temper and also, tells us the consequences. According to these verses, when you have a bad temper, you will act foolishly and stir up strife (quarrels, a heated disagreement). So that means you will affect the atmosphere and the people you encounter in a negative way.

But the verse from Ecclesiastes sticks out the most to me. It tells us that anger settles in our bosom, or in our hearts. In the Hebrew there is a picture of settling down with the intent to remain long term. You become comfortable with the anger. It becomes a part of you. Anger is like cancer. It will slowly take you over, and you will constantly and consistently react from a place of anger and you will not reflect God’s nature. 

Know this, my dear brothers and sisters: let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger for human anger doesn’t produce the righteousness of God.  James 1:19-20

Does having a bad temper have an effect on my marriage? 

Let’s look at this from a marriage standpoint. This is the time that you will have to get introspective. Alex and I cannot answer these questions for you, but we encourage you to really think these through?

The answers to these questions matter. The answers to these questions will give you a very clear picture of what is happening in your marriage based on what temper you and your spouse have.

So, if you determine by these questions that something needs to change.

How can we change our temper and get into a healthy state of mind? 

Fully Surrender to God

I urge you therefore, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice—holy, acceptable to God—which is your spiritual service. Romans 12:1

The truth is, we can’t really change anything about ourselves without God’s help. Especially things that have to do with our mouths. 

So also, the tongue is a small member—yet it boasts of great things. See how so small a fire sets a blaze so great a forest! James 3:5

If you are going to be successful in changing the state of your mind, you will have to surrender to God and ask the Ruach Ha Kodesh (Holy Spirit) to lead and guide you. There will be a lot of trial and error. You will probably get it wrong before you get it right. You will need His grace more than ever.

Apologize to Your Spouse and Then Change Your Behavior

If you are prone to having a bad temper, the chances are high that you have probably apologized multiple times. If your behavior has not shown true repentance, they may not accept this one easily at first, but do it anyway, but then change your behavior.

Therefore produce fruit worthy of repentance; Matthew 3:8

This is not saying be perfect. But one can tell when true repentance is present. There is a difference between trying and making mistakes versus not trying at all.

Let your spouse be a part of the journey. Tell them how you are trying to change. Ask them to pray for and with you. Give them the permission to let you know when they see you slipping into old habits. (But don’t get angry when they do this!)

Watch Who You Hang Around

Do not be friends with one given to anger or associate with a hot-tempered person, lest you learn his ways, and entangle your soul in a snare. Proverbs 22:24-25

It’s important during this process to surround yourself with people who promote shalom (peace). Being around people who also have a bad temper would be like an alcoholic trying to become sober in a bar. Don’t make this harder than it has to be. Find people who are walking this out and come alongside them.

Be Intentional with What You Watch, Listen to, and Think about.

Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

If you are prone to anger it will be crucial that you are careful with what you watch, listen to, and think about. We have a tendency to model the behavior we see. Music is powerful and has the ability to affect our emotions. If your thoughts are constantly focused on anger your actions will follow. 

Make sure you are putting good in, so good can come out.

Out of the good treasure of his heart the good man brings forth good, and out of evil the evil man brings forth evil. For from the overflow of the heart his mouth speaks. Luke 6:45

Gain Understanding

Get into the Word. Period. There is no other way to be transformed than to spend time in God’s Word. Learn what the Bible says about the way you are supposed to live your life and then walk that out.

For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword—piercing right through to a separation of soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

Here are some verses that speak specifically about tempers and gives you some insight on how to start the process of becoming a person of shalom.

Prudence makes one slow to anger and his glory is to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11

Prudence-Sekhel- insight, understanding, good sense

One who is slow to anger shows great understanding, but a quick-tempered one exalts folly. Proverbs 14:29

True wisdom is the ability to use knowledge correctly, judge situations wisely, and follow the best course of action based on understanding.

So, get into the Word, gain understanding on what it tells you to do, and ask the Ruach Ha Kodesh to help you walk it out. Ask the people who are already walking this out well to help you. 

Replace the Negative Emotions with the Fruits of Righteousness

God wants the knower (us) and the knowledge to become one. He wants His Word to get inside of us so it can transform us from the inside out. So once you have the understanding, you can start applying it to your life.

One with knowledge restrains his words, and a discerning person stays calm. Proverbs 17:27

But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial, not hypocritical. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in shalom by those who make shalom. James 3:17-18

But now, set them all aside—anger, rage, malice, slander, and foul language out of your mouth. Colossians 3:8

Therefore I, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you were called—with complete humility and gentleness, with patience, putting up with one another in love, making every effort to keep the unity of the Ruach in the bond of shalom. Ephesians 4:1-3

These verses tell us what should be removed from our lives and what should replace it. These are great places to start in the journey of transformation.

Conclusion

The events in our nations recently have shown a lack of understanding, and a blatant disregard for the sanctity of human life. This episode is going live a week after the assassination of Charlie Kirk. But this is not the only situation we have seen recently. There have been countless acts of violence in our nation and around the world. Anger has definitely settled in the hearts of many, and their actions are showing this.

There have been a lot of public events lately, but the truth is violence happens in marriage a lot and we just don’t see it. There are people encountering violence on a regular basis but aren’t saying a word. This has got to stop. As we bring this post to a close, we pray specifically for an end to the violence we are both seeing and not seeing.

Anger has settled, but it can be uprooted and replaced with the fruits of righteousness. That is our prayer!

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