Hello Friends,
Communication is the one thing every marriage has in common. It is a gift the Lord has given us to connect with our spouse, relay information, and receive and give the love we desire. However, when used incorrectly communication can be a weapon that cuts deeper than any knife.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
You may remember saying this as a child. Maybe you even believed it, but as an adult, you know this quote is a total lie. Many relationships have succumbed to divorce and many marriages are miserable because of wrong words used at the wrong time. Words do indeed have the power to hurt you, and others, deeply.
Communication and Marriage
Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose. Proverbs 18:21
Communication in marriage is vital. It’s your lifeline to your spouse. Effective communication is something that you will continue to work on throughout the duration of your marriage. The issue is communication is so much more than just words. There are times in marriage when you will hear the actual words your spouse speaks but receive a completely different message than they are trying to relay. It can be frustrating, especially if you are genuinely trying to understand.
So how do we fix this? This was not something we learned in school or from our parents. We learned to read, speak, and pay attention, but we were not taught effective, much less, emotional communication.
If we are going to become fluent communicators we have to become students. We have to find resources from people who have found effective ways to communicate, and we have to study our spouses to find out what their communication style is. Most importantly we have to learn that communication goes deeper than merely listening to the words our spouses say. We have to understand the emotions behind the words.
Emotional Communication
The goal of effective communication is to understand the emotional message of the speaker. You have to ask yourself, What is this person feeling?
Dr. Gary Smalley
Communication has many goals. We communicate to find solutions, navigate conflict, establish connections, and for mere enjoyment just to name a few. Although each time has a different goal, there is something they all have in common. The person communicating is trying to express their feelings on a specific matter.
Agree to Disagree
People want to be understood. They want to feel that the other person sees and can possibly understand the emotions they are feeling about a situation. Emotional communication does not mean that you and your spouse will agree 100% of the time. You can care deeply that your spouse is hurting and convey that without agreeing with what upset them.
“But do you understand where I am coming from?”
I (Tara) have said the above phrase to Alex more times than I can count. Until I read the book “The DNA of Relationships” I did not understand that I was not asking Alex to agree with me, I just wanted Alex to understand the emotion I was feeling. I was seeking to be understood.
Ten years into our marriage, finding out this truth about myself is very freeing. It allows me not only to communicate with Alex better and understand myself better, but it also allows me to better understand Alex.
Ways to Practice Emotional Communication
Our marriage can benefit greatly from learning the art of emotional communication. When we stop trying to win and start trying to understand it opens the door for genuine growth in your relationship. Let’s look at a few ways we can start emotionally communicating with our spouses.
Create A Safe Place
It is difficult to communicate effectively if one or both people are afraid of rejection, judgment, or even abandonment if they state their personal beliefs and feelings. We have to begin by establishing our marriage as a safe place for deep conversations to happen.
You can establish this safety by setting some simple ground rules for hard conversations, see our blog Rule of Engagement Marriage Edition for more ways to do that.
Pay Attention
Once we have our mind set on something it is easy to dig our heels in the sand and not even listen to our spouses at all. Since we know we don’t agree we choose not to even listen. But you won’t be able to find the emotion if you are not even paying attention to the words they are saying. So stop and really listen.
Listen to understand, not to respond
Once you have truly started listening to your spouse let’s take it a step further. Listen with the intent to understand, not to respond. This will be a lot easy when we remember we are not trying to find a winner or loser. We are not even necessarily trying to “agree”. What we are doing is trying to find the emotion behind the message.
A bonus tip here: Listen for “I feel” statements These are great starting points to finding the emotion. For example, I feel upset because… or It worries me when…
Take the Time, Save the Time
Emotional communication will take time and practice. It will take a great deal of trial and error. Don’t get discouraged! Once you have learned how to emotionally communicate in an effective way the time you spent now will save you a great deal of time in the future.
Using this technique will allow you to walk through issues so much faster the more you use it.
You can do this!
We are praying for you!