Hello Friends,
What comes to mind when you hear the word, “boundaries”?
For some boundaries are great and useful. They see them as essential for health, happiness, and balance. While others see them as very negative and difficult to implement. For those, boundaries are hard, suffocating, and flat out rude. There is also a third group of people who are indifferent. They simply do not see the importance of having them, so why would they need to set them.
Why Does this Matter?
Boundaries in marriage can be difficult because typically someone who loves boundaries will marry someone who doesn’t. Proving the old saying, “opposites attract” is true.
The person that loves boundaries wants them set and implemented and may even be very rigid with them. Where the one who hates them or is indifferent about them would find it extremely difficult to set these boundaries up, or to maintain them once they are in place. This can bring a level of frustration to both parties, because no one feels heard, seen, or respected. These issues can cause major problems if not dealt with properly.
The simple fact is boundaries themselves are not the problem. However, the solution to this may not be so simple because the problem is each person’s perspective and implementation of boundaries (or lack thereof). Mindsets and misconceptions have to be changed for boundaries to be beneficial in a relationship.
So, in order to help you and your marriage, and possibly prevent these issues from causing conflict with your spouse, let’s find out what boundaries really are and see if we can correct some misconceptions.
What is a Boundary?
If you look up the word “boundary” you will find that it is defined as a line that marks the limit of an area. There are lines that are set and marked well so others will not cross them. However, as I was researching for this blog, I found a lot of good definitions for this controversial word. I wanted to share a few of them here.
A boundary in a marriage is the limit of what a person is willing to accept from their partner.
Boundaries serve as an outward expression of a person’s core values, beliefs, and reflects what they need to feel safe, respected, and loved.
~April Eldemire
A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of
ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.
~Henry Cloud
I even looked in the Word to see if boundaries were mentioned, and I found that it was.
In this verse we see that even God sets boundaries for our lives, and they are good! God sets these to keep us safe and going in the direction He has for our lives. He has set boundaries all around us for our benefit and our protection.
So, with that in mind here is the question.
Are Boundaries Good or Bad?
The short answer is boundaries are good. However, just like everything else they have to be used correctly. Anything used incorrectly can be a weapon, but a tool in the right hand can build something beautiful. The same is true when we use boundaries correctly. They define us, protect us, and can free us up to live a full and abundant life.
Boundaries in Marriage
Boundaries are especially necessary in a marriage. For a marriage to be healthy there are several areas where healthy boundaries can be put into place. Because like April Eldemire said above boundaries define what your limits are, what your core beliefs are, and what you need to feel safe and secure.
A few areas where you may want to consider boundaries are-
- In-Laws and other Family Members (Genesis 2:24)- the Bible tells us to “leave and cleave” and that means our spouse and marriage needs to come first. That includes any family relationship. Can you still honor and spend time with your family? Of course, but they need to be in a proper and healthy position in your life.
- Communication (Ephesians 4:29)- There needs to be boundaries in the way you talk to and about your spouse, whether that be in an argument or normal conversation. We have “Battle Boundaries” in place in our marriage, but we also have boundaries set up for everyday conversations. You can find how we set up the “Battle Boundaries,” by reading our blog, “Rules of Engagement Marriage Edition“.
- Money (Hebrews 13:5) – money is a number one source of conflict in a marriage. Setting boundaries can put you and your spouse on the same page with your finances which can be a great deal of peace into your relationship.
- Friends and Work Relationship (Proverbs 4:23)- There are some people that we will spend a lot of time with, without our spouse being present. Boundaries should be in place there to protect your heart and your most important relationship.
- Personal (Psalm 139:14) – Although we are one in marriage, we can still be unique. It’s easy to want to change things about your spouse so boundaries can be put into place to safeguard that from happening.
- Intimacy (Hebrews 13:4)-Sex and intimacy is a vital part of any marriage. It is important to have conversations about this aspect of marriage and set boundaries that work for both husband and wife.
The Next Step
Understanding that boundaries are good and beneficial to your marriage (and your life in general) is just the first step on this beautiful adventure we are on. The next step is deciding what boundaries need to be put in place and figure out how to implement them.
This may seem overwhelming to you especially if you are someone that has issues with boundaries, but we promise it isn’t as hard as it seems.
On our next blog, we are going to break down the areas in marriage where boundaries can be set and show you ways to get them set up and implemented.