Sex and Marriage

Hello Friends,

The “S” Word

Several years ago, Alex and I were at a family gathering. One of our cousins was telling us a story about their son who was very young at the time. Something had happened and the son was upset with his parents. In the midst of his frustration, he looked at his parents and said, “If y’ all don’t stop it, I’m going to use the “S” word.” His parents, assuming that he was going to say a word that he shouldn’t say, asked him what the “s” word was. In a very serious tone, he said, “Sex, I don’t know what it is, but I have heard it’s awful.” 

When we decided to write this blog about sex, I had a few concerns. Talking about sex can be tricky. It is easy for this topic to become awkward, silly, or even inappropriate. I don’t want that to happen here. I do however want to stress how important sex is in a marriage. I fear there are several married couples today who have the same point of view about sex that our little cousin had. They have no idea the importance of it. Because of the lack of information or incorrect information, it is not going well. Regardless of what you may have heard or even what your sex life looks like now sex is not an awful or awkward or casual thing. It is a beautiful thing that was created to be shared by two people in the unity of marriage. Most marriages end for one of two reasons- money issues or unfilled sexual issues. This is so very sad because with the proper attention both issues can be resolved if the couple chooses to do so. In this blog, we are going to talk about ways to help you have a better sex life which will, in turn, help you to have a better marriage.

Let’s start by seeing what the Bible has to say about the topic.

Marriage is to be held in honor among all [that is, regarded as something of great value], and the marriage bed undefiled [by immorality or by any sexual sin]; for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Hebrews 13:4 Amplified Version

Sex is a good thing!

This is a very interesting time to be married in my opinion. We are getting two very different messages.

~Our society tells us that marriage is of no importance. You can marry as often as you want and then just get a divorce if it does not work out. Sex is also something of little value in our world right now. Just grab a magazine or watch a tv show, everywhere we look we are shown people sleeping with as many people as possible and basically getting praised for it. In fact, now if you don’t sleep around you are looked at as being naive and ridiculed for that.

~On the flip side. our Christian culture likes to tell us sex is a bad thing. In fact, most churches do not address sex at all, not even in the bonds of marriage. It is something you do not do outside of marriage but married or not you most definitely don’t talk about it.

But in the above verse, God tells us marriage should be held in a place of honor and that sex should only take place between a husband and a wife. It is only when sex happens outside of this relationship that it is a bad thing. Sex is not meant to be casual. It is meant to be a special bond you only share with your spouse. It’s unfortunate that most churches do not want to talk about sex because that’s all the world wants to talk about. That is why so many people have a warped view of sex and marriage. The church tells them sex is bad by either literally saying it or not talking about it at all. While the world tells us it is amazing and it is bad to only be with one person. The consequences of that are so very evident in our world today. People are sleeping with everyone like it’s no big thing. Sex is not viewed as a gift to be shared in marriage but as something that can be used when the opportunity arises with whoever happens to be available.

Sex has many purposes but one of those purposes is for the unity, commitment, and enjoyment between two people that are married. Sex is a good gift that we are to share in marriage alone.

Let’s get personal!

Let’s take a moment and do a check-up on our sex life. How is it going? Are both you and your spouse happy with what is happening in your bedroom right now? Are things awesome or is there room for improvement? Is it exciting or mundane? Does it happen often or hardly ever? Do both people initiate it or is it the same person all the time? Are you trying new things or just doing the same things over and over?  I know these are questions that can cause people to turn red, but these are the questions that need to be addressed between a married couple. Like I said earlier some marriages end because one or both people in the relationship have unmet sexual needs. They do not find fulfillment at home, so they go somewhere else to find it. Sex in a marriage should be fun and fulfilling for both people. In fact, the Bible tells us that it should be enjoyable.

Now, about sex and marriage: Drink only the water that comes from your own well, and don’t let your water flow out into the streets. Keep it for yourself, and don’t share it with strangers. Be happy with your own wife. Enjoy the woman you married while you were young. She is like a beautiful deer, a lovely fawn. Let her love satisfy you completely. Stay drunk on her love, and don’t go stumbling into the arms of another woman.

Proverbs 5:15-20 Easy Read Version

This is Tara Payne’s translation of those verses. “When it comes to sex with your spouse- don’t stop- get it, get it!” Seriously read the verses again, is that not what it is saying? It tells us to “stay drunk on the love of our spouse”. Alex and I had a person in our lives tell us this one time. “If you are married it is legal and moral, go for it.” In other words, all bets are off. In the unity of marriage, you and your spouse can be as spontaneous and creative as you want to be. 

Revisit those questions above. Be real with your answer. If you are not happy with your sex life right now it probably means your spouse isn’t either. Do stop there though! Now that you have acknowledged there is a problem do something to fix it. Below are just a few tips that might help to turn things around.

Don’t like it… Change it…

Start Outside of the Bedroom-

Don’t let sex be the only time you offer your spouse any kind of attention or affection!

• Make it a point to love on them throughout the day.
  • Find ways to communicate your love for them in different ways.
    • Hug and kiss them just because you can.
    • Leave them love notes.

Make it a point to be affection other than when you want to have sex. By doing this your spouse will be more respective when you actually do want to.

Make it Fun-

Don’t do the same thing in the same place all the time!

• Spice things up
  • Spend them pictures or text messages
  • Dress up for your spouse
  • Meet them at the door naked
  • Pick different places (nowhere that would get you arrested, of course)

Don’t get stuck in a rut. Make it fun and exciting. Remember when you have married all bets are off. It is legal and moral!

Talk about It-

Actually talk to your spouse about what they like and don’t like. This can be a little awkward but… hey … we are all adults here right.. if you can do it you should be able to talk about it.

• Ask your spouse open-ended questions
• Plan out times to be intimate
• Actually follow through and do what you have talked about.

Sex does not have to be a guessing game or a “do the same thing over and over again” game. Talk to each other and learn everything you can about each other. Then go have a great time with each other.

Never Use Sex as a Weapon

Sex is very important in a marriage. However, if you use sex like a weapon or a prize to be earned it can destroy a marriage. Sex should never be used as a way to punish your spouse. Sleeping with someone else to “get back at your spouse” or to “teach them a lesson” will most definitely never be good for your relationship. I wish I did not even have to be said; however, there are people who do this on a daily basis. On the flip side of this, holding out on your spouse until they have “earned it” is equally as damaging. It is not a prize they have to earn, it is their right as your spouse. The Bible has a lot to say about being faithful to your spouse but God also had something to say about withholding sex.

The husband must fulfill his [marital] duty to his wife [with goodwill and kindness], and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have [exclusive] authority over her own body, but the husband shares with her, and likewise, the husband does not have [exclusive] authority over his body, but the wife shares with him. Do not deprive each other [of marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves [unhindered] to prayer but come together again so that Satan will not tempt you [to sin] because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 Amplified Version

This verse tells us to never withhold sex from the other unless it is agreed upon. Things happen that hinder sex. I am not talking about health problems and things like that. I am talking about withholding sex from your spouse just because you can. That will never get you the happy marriage you want. In fact, in the few cases of this, I have seen, it leads a marriage start to divorce.

You can have a happy marriage and a happy sex life. Just be intentional about pursuing your spouse daily!

You can do this!

We are praying for you!