Hello Everyone,
Alex and I took the month of October off to celebrate the fall high holy days, but we are excited to be back! We have been in Proverbs for several episodes. We will be finishing this book up soon, but before we do, let’s look at some verses that honestly may not make you feel awesome. These verses are probably not the background of your phone. I bet they aren’t written on your bathroom mirror, and I’m positive they have not been turned into artwork and used to decorate your home. However, these verses are very important. They hold a powerful message, and they speak specifically to something that can cause issues in your marriage, strife.
It is better to live on a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. Proverbs 21:9
It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome, worrisome wife. Proverbs 21:19
Better to dwell in a corner of a roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. Proverbs 25:24
Continual dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious wife are alike— hiding her is like hiding the wind or grasping oil with the right hand. Proverbs 27:15-16
Now men before you take a giant sigh of relief thinking this one isn’t about you, or before you get a little extra and run and grab your wife telling her you have found the perfect podcast for her, let it be known that this will not be a one sided podcast. We will not just be speaking to the ladies with this one.
Marriage is a partnership. The Word tells us through the entire Bible, starting in Genesis, and then Yeshua Himself saying, that when you get married, you are no longer 2, you become 1. It says that God Himself joins us together. In this particular relationship we can’t always scream “NOT IT” and expect positive change. We have to be objective and look at situations that arise in marriage not from a stance of whose right or wrong, but what can WE do to work TOGETHER to fix the problem. We need to look at the wisdom in the Bible and genuinely ask ourselves how it can transform us collectively as a husband and wife.
And let’s be honest, being worrisome and quarrelsome is not a problem only women have, they may be more prone to it, but some men deal with this issue as well, or at minimum may be the contributing factor to the wife.
So, we are going to look at these verses, and discover what the Hebrew says, and get a deeper understanding into the message here. Then we are going to discuss how there may be underlying issues that could be damaging your marriage. And finally, we will give you some tips on how to correct the underlying issues. We encourage both men and women to look at your life objectively and see if there is anything in this podcast that rings true in your marriage. If so, we pray that you and your spouse take whatever steps necessary to improve your marriage.
What Does the Hebrew Tell Us?
Let’s start with the word for wife. Ishah- it means woman, wife, female.
Pretty straight forward, but there is a reason I wanted to point this out. Marriage is a partnership and both husband and wife can struggle with the topic of this episode, but what wisdom can we gain from the fact that Solomon used the same word in every one of these verses?
I think it shows us that women as a whole may be more prone to this behavior of being quarrelsome or contentious if left unchecked. Men and women were created differently on purpose by an amazing Creator who did everything with intentionality. We are not the same. We both have strengths and weaknesses. And although we can both sin and mess up perhaps we can use these Scriptures to spot weak areas and intentionally work on them.
For example…I (Tara) am fairly laid back BUT I know that there is one area in my life that if I’m not careful I can get hung up on details and get flustered quickly, when we are hosting at our home. I want the house to be clean, everything planned out in advance, and for everything to go smoothly. When I am in that mode, I can take things out on Alex, especially if it “appears” that he is not taking it as seriously as I am.
I bring this up because you may be like me, overall these verses may not apply to you but that does not mean we should dismiss them altogether. I encourage you to look at your own life as a wife and woman to see if there are specific areas where it does.
Because positive change can happen but only when we know what areas need changing.
Now let’s look at the three words used to describe the wife in these verses… quarrelsome, worrisome, and contentious.
Quarrelsome and contentious are the same word. Midyan- It means strife.
Strife is a strong and ongoing conflict usually over basic things. However, strife goes deeper than just random annoyance. It’s on-going and continuous, so it usually involves bitterness, pride, and an unteachable spirit whether that be in one or both parties. It’s stubborn and isn’t willing to compromise or find common ground. Strife isn’t just a physical conflict; it’s an emotional one as well. It can get ugly, especially the longer it goes on and the more things build up. Strife is a destructive force that only brings division and suffering. With this in mind, let’s look at a few other verses where this word is used.
A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but one who is slow to anger calms a quarrel. Proverbs 15:18
“Every kingdom divided against itself is destroyed, and a house against a house falls”. Luke 11:17
Where do quarrels and conflicts among you come from? Don’t they come from this, namely your passions that battle within your body parts? James 4:1
Now the deeds of the flesh are clear: sexual immorality, impurity, indecency, idolatry, witchcraft, hostility, strife, jealousy, rage, selfish ambition, dissension, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these. I am warning you, just as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit God’s kingdom. Galatians 5:19-21
It amazes me sometimes when I read scripture. I truly see how God’s ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. as a general statement, humans like to categorize sin. It makes us feel better. Like “yeh, I argue with my husband/wife all the time, but I don’t cheat on them so it’s fine. At least I don’t do _______”
But if you look at these verses’ strife is just as much a sin as sexual immorality, idolatry, and even witchcraft. Sin is sin. God doesn’t want us to practice witchcraft, as much as He doesn’t want us to have strife in our marriage. So don’t waste time measuring yourself but your idea of which sin is greatest. It’s not a good measuring system because you will always measure in your favor. Read the Word and go by what God has said. He will reveal things in you that aren’t super shiny, but then He will transform you by His Word.
The Hebrew word is ka’as- to deliberately test, to provoke-especially caused by unmerited treatment, state of being persistently annoyed, frustrated, and worried. Gloomy, bad tempered, and uncommunicative.
That definition isn’t even fun to read. Is there anything in that definition that sounds like it would benefit a marriage? Who wants to live in a home with someone who is PERSISTENTLY annoyed, frustrated, angry and uncommunicative?
And just for the record, being uncommunicative here doesn’t mean staying silent all the time. Communication is happening but it’s not good. It’s not healthy and it doesn’t foster peace and resolution. It’s not accomplishing anything but more strife. That is probably why when Solomon used the word ka’as… he encouraged the other person to completely leave the home and go into the desert. His message is clear… get as far away from them as possible. It would be better to live in a harsh desert environment than with a harsh person.
Deserts are dangerous environments. There are a million ways to die in a desert, whether it be the elements, the environment, the animals, or the lack of resources necessary for life. Yet Solomon says it would be better for you there than in a home with someone who is “ka’as” or worrisome. That’s strong advice, makes me think that Solomon knew something from firsthand experience. Maybe a few of his many wives were like this.
This is not the way marriage is supposed to be. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people living with the kind of person described in these verses, and it could be the wife or the husband.
The spouse that is always irritated or angry. The one you walk on eggshells around because anything and everything could send them off. They have plenty to say but for the most part it’s a lot of fussing and possibly even cussing. Communication that fosters shalom, or even just basic courtesy went out the door a long time ago… or in extreme cases, is only used to manipulate. You might even describe these people as “Not the woman/man that I married.”
That last statement is probably true. This probably isn’t the person you married. If that is the case, what happened? Something did, and it probably took years to get here, no one just wakes up one morning and is transformed into a harsh and unloving human being. So, let’s look into this and see what could have happened that has brought people to this point.
Underlying Issues Causing Strife and How to Correct Them
As you can see from the Hebrew, strife is serious and it’s a state that one does not get into over night. Strife happens when a conflict is on-going and consistent. In marriage it’s usually the small things that have not been dealt with and because of that frustration, resentment, and anger have been allowed to grow. Until one day it comes to a breaking point, “This is not the person I married.” So what could be the underlying issues? James sums it up nicely…
Where do quarrels and conflicts among you come from? Don’t they come from this, namely your passions that battle within your body parts? James 4:1
Everyone has a fleshly nature, that selfish desire to always have things our way all the time. So how do these “self desires” come out in marriage?
Lack of Follow Thorough
For example when you ask your spouse to do something, they say they will, but then it doesn’t happen. Over time, this lack of follow through can cause serious issues.
You may be arguing over household chores, but the real issue is lack of trust because of broken promises. It’s hard to trust someone fully, when you can’t even trust them to help with a simple request. In marriage there are practical things that need to be accomplished and when these things are consistently getting pushed on one person frustration happen. Yeshua touches on this in Luke 16. He is talking about the importance of being honest in your dealing.
One who is faithful in the smallest matters is also faithful in much, and the one unjust in the smallest matters will likewise be unjust in much. Luke 16:10
The solution for this is quite simple, keep your word. If you said you would do it, do it in a timely manner. And if there is a legit reason you can’t, communicate that clearly, and help come up with an alternative solution.
Outside Influence
Sometimes conflict in a relationship comes from an outside source. Do you have a family member or even a friend that is causing division between you and your spouse? The most notorious person for this is the mother in law, but she may not always be the one. It could be another family member or a lifelong friend.
If you find yourself in this situation and you know who the person is that is causing the conflict. You and your spouse need to sit down and establish boundaries that you both agree upon. Once those boundaries are established communication needs to happen and then upheld.
If you don’t know who it is…
- Ask your spouse, chances are they probably already know.
- If not… observing behaviors might help, when does your conflict start? Is it after a certain person has been present?
Your marriage is important. It should be protected even from people you thought were on your side.
Money
Money has been the cause of many arguments and unfortunately many divorces. Managing money or the lack thereof can cause a lot of stress on a marriage. We have found that in a lot of marriages, a saver marries a spender. This can cause great conflict, especially if communication and compromise do not happen.
In a lot of cases, it’s not necessarily the lack of money but money management that is the problem. If you find yourself in this situation you and your spouse need to communicate. There are a lot of money classes that you can take that can help educate you on how to handle your finances.
Passivity
Chances are you married a person that has a different personality. Some people are more aggressive, while others are passive. Sometimes a passive person can be viewed as a person that just doesn’t care since they are not expressing or displaying the amount of urgency the other person thinks they should.
Passivity does not always equal lack of care, but this should be communicated. Simply communicating your thoughts and plans will help here. Now if there is a lack of care, that is another issue, that would need to be dealt with.
Weaponized Incompetence
This is a new term for us here at A Beautiful Adventure Marriage. Weaponized incompetence is when one spouse intentionally acts like they don’t know how to do something in order to get out of doing it.
It can be lying and saying you don’t know how to do it, or as serious as damaging something that belongs to your spouse, so they won’t ask you to do it again.
At the end of the day, it’s manipulation.
In a healthy marriage relationship, you serve one another. It was never meant to be a one-sided relationship.
Also submit yourselves to one another out of reverence for Messiah— wives to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as Messiah also is head of His community—Himself the Savior of the body. But as Messiah’s community is submitted to Messiah, so also the wives to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives just as Messiah also loved His community and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, having cleansed her by immersion in the word. Messiah did this so that He might present to Himself His glorious community—not having stain or wrinkle or any such thing, but in order that she might be holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it—just as Messiah also does His community, because we are members of His body.
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” [This mystery is great—but I am talking about Messiah and His community. In any case, let each of you love his own wife as himself, and let the wife respect her husband. Ephesians 5:21-33
Communication is the Key
“Every kingdom divided against itself is destroyed, and a house against a house falls”. Luke 11:17
As you can see, clear communication and behaviors that correspond with the communication are the solutions to the majority of these problems. A husband and a wife have to be able to communicate in an effective way if both are going to thrive in a relationship.
Although Yeshua wasn’t talking about marriage in Luke 11, this statement rings true in marriage. A house against a house will fall. If you and your spouse are constantly experiencing strife, whether it be for the reasons we talked about, or something else, do what it takes to fix it. If you don’t, the ongoing conflict will only grow. At worst you will join the growing number of couples that are throwing in the towel, at best you will be in an unfulfilling relationship where one of you would rather be in a desert than be together. Either way this is not the marriage God created for you to have.
For more resources on communication check out our blog, “Constructive Communication“.