Hello Everyone,
I have heard it said that the Bible was written for us, but it was not written to us. That is so true and we can see it here in the book of Proverbs. Solomon seems to be writing to three basic groups of people: the young, those in authority, and specifically the people of Israel, to whom he was the king. The beautiful thing about Scripture is whether or not you are in those three groups the book of Proverbs can be applied to your life, wherever you are in your journey right now.
In the last blog, we shared the principle of pairs and patterns in Scripture, and how once we realize the Lord often speaks in pairs it brings new insight and more depth to the Word of God. We talked about the two paths that are mentioned in the Bible, the Path of Righteousness and the Path of Wickedness. We encouraged you to examine your life to see which path you are on, and in what direction you are leading your spouse and family.
The Language of Life and Death
In this blog, we are going to talk about another pairing we find in Proverbs and throughout the entire Bible: the Language of Life and the Language of Death. It’s another situation where the Lord gives us two options, explains the benefits and consequences of both, and encourages us which to choose, but again He gives free-will to make the choice.
Proverbs 18:21 says this, “Death and life are in the control of the tongue. Those who indulge in it will eat its fruit.”
Words are powerful, very powerful according to this verse. You find out pretty quickly that words are important in relationships. This starts pretty young, just listen to two children playing. It usually isn’t long before one comes up crying because the other said something that made them mad or sad.
We tell children that words can’t hurt them but is that true? According to Proverbs 18, it isn’t.
Death here in the Hebrew is “Mavet”- it means a state of death, or death by violence
So the tongue has the ability, strength, and power to violently kill, whether that be the words you speak against yourself or someone else.
With that in mind, you can see why being intentional about your words is crucial if you want a healthy marriage.
Who wants to violently kill anyone, much less their spouse?
Hopefully no one, especially if you are a follower of Yeshua, but if we are not careful, harmful words have a tendency to slip out.
Let’s look at what Proverbs says about these two different kinds of languages and answer a few questions.
- What is the difference between the Languages of Life and Death as defined by Proverbs?
- What are the benefits and consequences of speaking each language?
- Which language do I speak most fluently right now?
- Is my language affecting my marriage in a positive or negative way?
- How can I apply the wisdom of Proverbs to my language and marriage?
Just a disclaimer: The Bible has a lot to say about words, especially in Proverbs. With that in mind, we are only going to share a few examples for each. But we encourage you, if this blog speaks to you, and you struggle with words, dive into the Bible yourself. There is so much to glean. Use this as a jumping off point, not an exhaustive study.
What is the difference between the Languages of Life and Death as defined by Proverbs?
Language of Life
An anxious heart weighs one down, but a good word cheers him up. Proverbs 12:25 (Encourages)
A gentle answer turns away wrath Proverbs 15:1A (Gentle/Peace Driven/Restraint)
The lips of the wise spread knowledge Proverbs 15:7A (Wisdom)
He who watches his mouth protects his life Proverbs 13:3A (Protects)
A trustworthy witness does not lie Proverbs 14:5A (Honesty)
Pleasant words are honeycomb—sweet to the soul and healing to the bones Proverbs 16:24 (Healing)
Language of Death
A harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1B (Anger)
The mouth of fools spouts folly Proverbs 15:2B (Foolish)
Whoever opens wide his lips comes to ruin Proverbs 13:3B (Carelessness)
A gossip reveals secrets Proverbs 11:13A (Gossip)
With his mouth the ungodly destroys his neighbor Proverbs 11:9 (Death)
A false witness breathes out lies Proverbs 14:5B (Lying)
What are the benefits and consequences of speaking each language?
The Language of Life is truthful, encourages and builds up, it’s gentle and promotes peace, it’s full of wisdom and restraint, it protects and heals. It creates an environment that is conducive for life and growth.
The Language of Death is intentionally deceitful and full of lies, it’s foolish and spreads gossip which causes harm, it’s filled with anger and violence, it seeks to destroy and tear down. It creates an environment where nothing can grow which leads to death.
With the pairs we have talked about so far, can you begin to see the picture of two kingdoms? Two very different ways to live. The Kingdom of God and how He speaks and behaves, versus the Kingdom of Satan and how he speaks and behaves.
Which language do I speak most fluently right now?
The truth is it’s easy to speak the Language of Death. It takes discipline to only speak the Language of Life. This is a question that we encourage you to ask now, but also continually. We also encourage you to answer this question from the position of what the truth is at this moment, not what you want the truth to be.
I (Tara) would love to say that I speak the Language of Life all the time, or even the majority of the time. But the truth is, as I am going through Proverbs and studying for these blogs and podcasts, I don’t always like what I see in myself. I have found what Robin Luton said in her book, “Valor” to be true. She says this:
The journey through Proverbs is a dangerous one. Dangerous to one’s complacency, that is. It will challenge, convict, and correct. It’s not for the faint of heart. But this journey is also an adventure that delights and transforms.
God’s Word has the power to transform but transformation is not always an easy process, and it definitely doesn’t always feel good. But I find encouragement in Hebrews 12:4-11
In struggling against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of bloodshed. Have you forgotten the warning addressed to you as sons?
“My son, do not take lightly the discipline of Adonai
or lose heart when you are corrected by Him, because Adonai disciplines the one, He loves
and punishes every son He accepts.”
It is for discipline that you endure. God is treating you as sons—for what son does a father not discipline? But if you are without discipline—something all have come to share—then you are illegitimate and not sons. Besides, we are used to having human fathers as instructors—and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? Indeed, for a short time they disciplined us as seemed best to them; but He does so for our benefit, so that we may share in His holiness. Now all discipline seems painful at the moment—not joyful. But later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
God loves His children too much to leave us where we are. He is willing to walk the path of transformation with us, but we have to be willing to walk the path and change the speech and behaviors that are not of God’s Kingdom. The ones that do not align with God’s Word.
Another question we would like for you to ask yourself is …
Is my language affecting my marriage in a positive or negative way?
You probably don’t have to think long and hard on this one. How do you and your spouse talk to each other? Is there more affirmation or criticism? Do you communicate often, or has it gone silent? Is your tone gentle or condescending? Do you tell each other the truth?
Sit down with your spouse and go over these questions together. It’s always good to make sure you are on the same page, whether it be good or bad, because you will need to work together as a team to change the language in your marriage.
How can I apply the wisdom of Proverbs to my language and marriage?
We summarized the Language of Life earlier as truthful, encouraging, gentle, full of wisdom, and controlled. It creates an environment that is conducive for life, growth, and healing. Let’s break these five things down.
1. Be Truthful- A trustworthy witness does not lie, a false witness breathes out lies Proverbs 14:5
We hope that you are not just bald face lying to your spouse. Lying can cause irreparable damage. Lying breaks trust and trust is hard to build back. But let’s take it a little deeper than just the huge lies. Are small lies happening?
Maybe it seems harmless, like…
- saying you forgot to do something, when you didn’t forget. You just didn’t want to do it.
- telling your kids, “Don’t tell you mom/dad.”
- saying you didn’t hear them say something, when you did?
- not expressing how you truly feel about a situation because you want to avoid conflict at all cost?
A lie is a lie and they will build up. The more you tell the easier it is to keep telling me.
Being truthful can be difficult especially if something hard needs to be addressed but pray and ask the Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) to guide you and give you the right words to say.
If lying is something that has become a part of your language, start by being honest about that. Let your spouse know this is an area you struggle in, then work together, get in the Word, and get some accountability.
2. Be Encouraging– An anxious heart weighs one down, but a good word cheers him up. Proverbs 12:25 With his mouth the ungodly destroys his neighbor Proverbs 11:9
In a previous blog, we answered the question, “Who is my neighbor?”. We concluded that our neighbor is anyone we come in contact with, that definitely includes our spouse. In Proverbs 11 it tells us that the mouth of the ungodly destroys his neighbor.
“Destroys” in Hebrew here is “Shakhat”- it means to destroy, ruin, corrupt, or be injured. Words have the ability to destroy, ruin, corrupt, or injure your spouse. Instead of destroying your spouse, let’s be the voice of encouragement in their lives.
Let’s speak in a way that brings encouragement, joy, and peace. Let’s speak to them in a way that heals the wounds they may have, not create new ones. There are enough voices in this world that tear people down, let’s be intentional about lifting our spouses up.
3. Choose Gentleness- A gentle answer turns away wrath, a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
Anger and harshness should not be the norm in your marriage. Will there be conflict? Absolutely, but there is a way to manage conflict in a healthy way. Practicing self-control and choosing what and how to say things (before you say them) can cut down on a lot of conflict. In some cases, it isn’t even the words we say, it’s the way we choose to say them that’s the problem.
Husbands, love your wives and do not become harsh toward them. Colossians 3:19
Although this verse is specifically talking to men, ladies, we need to be aware of how we speak to our husbands as well. There is no reason to be consistently harsh with your spouse. We can practice patience, and gentleness even if this is a situation we have dealt with before. Being consistently angry, will not fix a problem. Learning to communicate in a different way, very well might.
Let’s choose instead to be gentle and patience with them. Let’s treat the like the Father treats us, with kindness and gentleness.
4. Be Wise- The lips of the wise spread knowledge Proverbs 15:7A The mouth of fools spouts folly Proverbs 15:2B
If you have been married for any amount of time, you know your spouse’s buttons. You know what will flip them over the edge in a second. Yet, even with that knowledge, sometimes equipped with that knowledge, we still say and do the things that cause issues.
Use the knowledge you have about your spouse wisely. That is not to say you are to walk around on eggshells, afraid to say or do anything that might upset them. It just means don’t intentionally start crap for the sake of starting something.
Learn the things they like, and say and do those things, not because they “earned” it but because you want to do something loving for them.
5. Use Restraint and Control-He who watches his mouth protects his life, whoever opens wide his lips comes to ruin Proverbs 13:3
When it comes to marriage no truer words have ever been spoken. We sure can get ourselves in trouble with our mouths. The longer we are married the easier it is to not practice restraint. Just because we can say something does not mean we should. Just because something is true doesn’t mean it can be presented to your spouse in a rude and hateful way.
Use self control when it comes to how you speak to your spouse. Think about what you are going to say BEFORE you say it.
Proverbs 3:3-4 says, “Let kindness and truth never leave you— bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will gain favor and a good name in the eyes of God and man.
If you filter everything you say to your spouse through this verse. It will be so beneficial. If it is not kind or true, perhaps you should figure out how to re-word it or not say it at all.