Hello Friends,
On our last blog, we talked about the breakdown on communication. We talked about how communication needs to be clear, calm, current, and constructive. We broke down the first three in detail, and explained why they were important. We also gave you some examples of how we have walked this out in our own marriage.
Now, let’s break down what constructive communication is, why it’s important, and how we can use certain tools to help us communicate in a more constructive way. We are also going to give you Biblical and practical ways to apply it to your relationships in hopes that these tools will help you to build the marriage you and your spouse want to have.
What Are You Trying to Build?
We hope the answer to that question is… “A Beautiful Adventure Marriage!” If it is, you are going to need tools! If you are constructing something, tools are a necessity. Some tools are designed to tear down and other tools are designed to build up.
If you are trying to build something beautiful having the right tool at the right time can be a game-changer. Using the correct tool can turn a difficult task into an easy process. However, if we use the tools incorrectly, we may end up tearing something down instead of building it up.
When it comes to your marriage, you want to be building, not tearing down. You want your words to bring unity, peace, and trust. Although constructive communication can be hard, the tools below will make the job easier!
Constructive Communication
When I think of constructive communication, I think about communication that encompasses all the aspects we talked about last time. It is clear, calm, and current but for it to be effective it also needs to accomplish something. Typically, constructive communication needs to happen when you and your spouse are trying to make a decision about something, and you’re not in agreement.
Those are the moments when being constructive is critical. Because you want to walk away from this conversation in unity. You don’t want to walk away frustrated, exhausted, yet no closer to the resolution. So, let’s open our toolbox and get to work.
Tool One: Compromise
A compromise is an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.
To compromise, both people must be willing to make changes to move forward and accomplish whatever the task may be. No one person completely gets his or her way.
For compromise to happen, both people must realize a few things:
- There is more than one way to accomplish the goal.
- Your way is not the only way.
- Your way may not even be the best option.
In most situations, there are multiple ways to accomplish your goal. So, it’s up to you and your spouse to sit down and use the tool of compromise to pick the best one for that unique situation.
In compromising… sometimes mostly your way will be chosen. Other times it will be mostly your spouse, but most times you will find a place in the middle. I love what Dr. Gottman has to says about compromise.
“Compromise never feels perfect. Everyone gains something and everyone loses something. The important thing is feeling understood, respected, and honored.”
That really is the important part of compromise, being open to your spouse’s opinions and ideas and not just dismissing them. It’s about both people walking away feeling understood and respected. We can attest that every time compromise is used in a positive way, your relationship will grow.
Tool Two: Capitulation
Capitulation is the action of surrendering or ceasing to resist an opponent or demand:
So, capitulation is the opposite of compromise. When we use the tool of capitulation one person does get their way.
For capitulation to happen, both people must realize a few things:
- It’s not about winning or losing but about maintaining unity while accomplishing the goal.
- Your spouse’s way may be the best option.
- You can’t be bitter if your way is not chosen.
Think of capitulation as a gift to your spouse. You are showing them there isn’t a winner or a loser in this situation. When you discover the best way to do something it really doesn’t matter if it was your idea or your spouses, the main thing is you have come to an agreement. Now you both can move forward, and the goal will be accomplished!
Tool Three: Agree to Disagree
Agreeing to disagree happens when the goal can be accomplished without the couple necessary being in 100% agreement.There are times in your marriage where one way needs to be chosen. However, this is not the case all the time. In some situations, you can work individually and still accomplish the same goal. In these moments, you can agree to disagree and still move forward.
If you are going to practice “agree to disagree”, both people must realize a few things:
- You don’t have to pick just one way to do something with every situation.
- You don’t have to accomplish every goal 100% together.
- You can divide and conquer but if you divide the task up, don’t get hung up on how your spouse does their part.
An easy example of this is cleaning the house. The task is cleaning the house. If you divide out the to-do list, you focus on your part and let your spouse focus on theirs. No, they may not clean the floors or wash the dishes like you do, but if at the end of the day the house is clean, it is a win.
Agreeing to disagree doesn’t mean you walk away frustrated, and the goal doesn’t get accomplished. It just means you don’t let little details steal your peace, especially if those details really don’t matter.
How Can I Start Using This Tools in My Marriage?
Although all of these tools will be beneficial for your marriage if you use them on a regular basis, we get that it will not be easy. These types of things don’t come natural to any of us. It goes against our flesh to not get our way. However, Luke 6:31 gives us a new way of thinking.
Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them!
If you can keep this Biblical principle in mind during conversations where you do not agree, we believe you can navigate them in a more constructive way.
So, what are some Biblical and practical ways to use these tools?
Biblical Application-
We get into the Word, and we become more like Christ. When we spend time in His Word, we will start to take on His unselfish love and concern for others, and using these constructive tools will come more naturally.
Although you won’t find a scripture that mentions “compromise, capitulation, or agree to disagree” directly, we believe verses like Luke 6:31 and 1 John 3:18 will help us to use these tools in our lives as we apply them to our daily activity.
Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
1 John 3:18
The last part of this verse is powerful when applied to our lives: Love with actions and truth.
It doesn’t matter if you tell someone you value their opinion if you never take the opportunity to hear them out. It doesn’t matter if you say you are working together with your spouse, if you always get your way. Our actions have to back up what we say.
Love is active and you can actively love someone by being willing to use the tools so you both feel heard and valued. We actively show our spouses love when we don’t demand our own way.
By getting into the Word and finding more Bible verses that teach us how to treat others we will become more like Christ (loving, compassion, humble, selfless). Because of the change that will happen in us, compromise, capitulation, and agreeing to disagree will become a more natural response.
So, step 1 is getting into the Word. Now let’s talk through some ways we can practically walk this out in our relationships.
Practical Application-
Constructive communication happens when both sides listen actively and work together to move in the same direction to accomplish a shared goal.
How do we “actively listen” and “work together”?
Let the other person talk- We will never be able to move forward as a team if we don’t let the other person communicate their opinions and ideas.
“A fool finds no delight in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.”
Proverbs 18:2
Listen with the goal of understanding not responding- Really listen to what the other person is saying and genuinely consider their ideas. Don’t be formulating your response while they are talking.
“One who answers before listening- that is his folly and his shame.”
Proverbs18:13
Ask clarifying questions to further the conversation- This is the time to ask all the questions you need to in order to understand your spouse’s point of view and ideas.
“So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.”
Romans 14:19
Stay humble- At the end of the day you win or lose as a team. Regardless of how the decision falls, you and your spouse need to have a humble spirit.
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.”
Colossians 3:12
Keep Building
As you start being intentional about making constructive communication a part of your marriage, you will find that this is going to take time, and a lot of trial and error. There will be times you get it right. Celebrate those moments! There will be times you get it wrong. Use forgiveness and grace excessively here! But in all the ups and downs, keep building. Keep trying to create the beautiful adventure marriage you desire to have!
You can do this!
We are praying for you!
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