Hello Friends,
Being able to communicate effectively with your spouse is crucial if your marriage is going to thrive. I have heard it said that marriage is just one long conversation between two people, and I can see so much truth in that statement.
If you want a healthy marriage those lines of communication have to be open, but you also have to communicate in a way your spouse can understand and receive.
The 55/38/7 Formula
Communicating effectively with someone goes way beyond choosing the right words. Studies have shown that when two people communicate 55% of the message is received from body language, 38% from vocal cues (tone, etc.), and only 7% from the actual words spoken. You may find yourself in a marriage where you really want to communicate with your spouse but you just seem to be missing each other. If that is the case I would recommend looking into your body language and vocal cues first. It could be you are saying the right words but in the wrong ways.
Once Alex and I learned to fix our delivery we realized that we were doing a lot of assuming and it was causing issues with communication. Over the years we have come up with a method we call over-communication. We way we talk through issues has improved greatly because of it.
It has come up a lot with A Beautiful Adventure Marriage, and even more in our small groups or mentoring sessions, but we realized we have never really taken the time to teach what over-communicating actually is. So let’s dive in.
What Does It Mean to Over-Communicate?
Over-Communication means you use as many literal words as necessary to express an expectation, a need, or a want. In other words, over-communicate assumes nothing but communicates everything.
I mentioned earlier that Alex and I were doing a lot of assuming. We would assume the other person had all the information when in reality there was a lot of confusion. We would assume we knew what the other one wanted to do only to realize we were wrong. Once we decided to start communicating everything instead of just assuming things got better. We use as many words as necessary to make sure we are on the same page. It has worked wonders in our relationship. Below are four ways we over-communicate in our marriage.
4 Ways to Over-Communicate with Your Spouse
Flat-out state what you want/need.
Your spouse cannot read your mind. It is unfair to get upset over uncommunicated expectations or desires. There may be times when they get it right without you saying anything but that will never be the norm. It may seem a little uncomfortable to ask or say certain things, but Alex and I have come to realize that spoken wants or needs seem to get accomplished far more than unspoken ones do. Clear communication bets assumptions every time.
Repeat back what you heard.
When you and your spouse are having an important conversation it’s always a good idea to repeat back what you think they are trying to communicate. When you start practicing this you may be surprised how often you hear something completely different than what your spouse is trying to say. There has been so many time in our relationship where we have done this and discovered that we are not on the same page.
When you find this to be true, don’t get discouraged. Simply ask your spouse to restate what they are trying to say. This one may time some time but it is so valuable in truly understanding the message each one of you is trying to convey.
Ask clarifying questions.
If you are having a hard time understanding each other start asking clarifying questions. Get as many details as possible, do not just assume you have an understanding of the point. This step could be hard for the person who does not require a ton of detail but chances are you probably married someone who does. Be patient here and allow for the questions.
Once a decision is made, restate the decision in your own words as well as the plan (if applicable) you both agree to execute.
This is one of the most important steps in this process. Do not leave the conversation without making sure you know the plan but also know what the next step is. There have been times in our marriage when we have had great conversations where we agree to accomplish something but we never specified how we were going to execute what we had discussed. What to guess how many times the thing got accomplished? Never, or at least without us coming back together to figure out what happened.
Save yourself that time, and make sure you each know what the next step is and who is responsible for what before you leave the discussion.
Use Your Words
Communication is a beautiful gift given to us by the Father. It has the power to bring us closer together and closer to the Father when used correctly. We encourage you to never stop learning new ways to communicate with your spouse. Remember marriage is just one long conversation between two people. Let’s make it a good conversation.
For More Ways to Communicate Effectively
Check out our video on Instagram with Chris and Jamie Bailey from Expedition Marriage. Chris and Jamie are licensed, counselors and marriage coaches. We got to sit down with them and talk about how to have difficult conversations. They gave such good wisdom so be sure to check that out!
You can do this!
We are praying for you!