Hello Friends,
Every marriage needs boundaries. Boundaries are especially necessary in healthy marriages. Our marriages are the most intimate relationship we will share with another person, so you may be thinking that boundaries aren’t needed. Boundaries may even seem rigid to you – like you are putting up walls and barriers to block out everything, including your spouse. But what if we changed our perspective and viewed boundaries as guard rails that keep us safely on the highway to a healthy marriage?
Why Are Boundaries Important?
The [boundary] lines [of the land] have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.
– Psalm 16:6
If you looked up the definition of boundaries, you would find it has a very simple definition. It’s a line that marks a limit. It is a symbol that indicates this is as far as you go. If we are honest, we know we all need boundaries to keep us in check, and if you look around, boundaries are everywhere. Traffic lights tell us when to go and stop. You probably have signs at work that say, “employees only.” There are boundary lines everywhere. You would agree these are helpful right? Well, we need these same lines in marriage if we are going to be happy and healthy.
Boundaries in marriage are not to keep our spouse out. They are not meant to be rigid and confining. They are meant to be guard rails. Guard rails protect us. They keep us in our right lane and the other traffic in theirs. They keep us from careening into a ditch. Boundaries offer this same protection in marriage. They not only protect us in our marriage, but they also protect our marriage from the world.
Boundaries Protect Us From Ourselves
Life is easier when boundary lines are clearly drawn. The same is true in marriage. If we do not have guard rails we could go off-roading and cause a lot of unnecessary damage.
By establishing boundaries in marriage we give ourselves healthy limitations that can help us navigate situations correctly.
For example, if your boundary is “no name-calling” when an argument comes up you will be less likely to cross that boundary. Why? Because you know it is there, you see it. The temptation may arise, but just like when your car starts to drift and you start hitting the reflectors in the middle of the road, you will return to your lane. Without such boundaries in place, the temptation will easily turn into action which could lead to bigger problems in your marriage.
Boundaries Protect Our Marriage From The World
Not only do boundaries protect us from ourselves, but they also protect us from the world. Our world is anti-marriage. Our culture doesn’t promote staying married during good times and bad. In fact, it promotes getting a divorce as many times as possible until you find the “right one”. With anti-marriage messages flying at us from every direction, we have to protect our greatest Earthly relationship. What does this mean? It means you set up boundaries so your marriage is your priority.
For example, one of your boundaries may be that you do not gossip about your spouse to your family or friends. In a setting where other spouses are doing so, it would be easy to participate. However, with this boundary set you either stay quiet, try to change the conversation, or simply leave the conversation altogether. Either way, you have protected your marriage by not speaking negatively against it or your spouse.
Marriage is easier when boundary lines are clearly drawn and we know where we are going!
Three Boundaries For A Healthy Marriage
Perhaps setting boundaries is a new concept for you and you do not know where to start. Let’s look at three areas where you could start setting up healthy boundaries that will be beneficial to your marriage.
Emotional Boundaries
Let’s start with an area where most people might not think to put up some boundaries. The emotional well-being of your spouse. Our emotional well-being is not only overlooked by other people, but ourselves as well. We are all busy and running around crazy and we forget to take care of ourselves. These boundaries can be twofold.
First, set up some boundaries for self-care. What gives you life? Be sure to include that in your week. Do something that gives you rest and recharges you. That way you are the best version of yourself for your spouse.
Second, protect the emotional well-being of your spouse. Be trustworthy and faithful. Respect them in public and in private. Give your spouse peace by knowing they can trust you at all times. There are enough voices in the world telling all of us that we are not good enough, but don’t be that voice in your marriage. Be a voice that brings life and not death.
Spiritual Boundaries
Spiritual boundaries are so very important in marriage. All of us need alone time with the Father. That is going to look different for everyone, but there needs to be a boundary in place so that alone time can happen. Joyce Meyer shares that every morning she wakes up and goes to her office, her family knows that until the office door opens she is with the Lord. They don’t interrupt her time. This boundary could also be prioritizing that Sunday mornings are for church, so any other plans need to be made on another day or after church.
These boundaries do not have to be rigid and legalistic, but spending time with God is so important that I would highly encourage you to make this boundary highly important. When both you and your spouse are spending time with the Father and growing in Him, your marriage will become the one that God created it to be.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries are the easiest boundaries to set up. You can start with boundaries you want to set for arguments like no hitting or abusive behavior, and no name-calling or demeaning words. Having boundaries set up for arguments is extremely important because in the heat of an argument it is easy to lose control and later regret the things that were said or done. Having these in place doesn’t mean you will never make mistakes but they are more likely to be followed than if they weren’t there.
Big disclaimer: Words may slip from time to time in an argument but abusive behavior should never be tolerated. If your spouse is violating that boundary, it is time to seek help. Abuse is never okay.
Staying In Your Lane
Boundaries in our marriage are like guard rails. They keep us in our lane, heading in the right direction. They keep us safe from damage and injury. The boundaries are there to protect us. Do we have the power to bust through the guard rails? Yes, absolutely we do. However, just like in real life, if you break these boundaries there will only be damage and injury.
There will be times that you will slip and hit the guard rails in marriage. In those moments show grace and forgiveness. And please remember this…
“The guard rail is always more forgiving than the cliff.”
Alex Payne
A little swerving may happen but having these guard rails up will make things far less messy! Better to have boundaries and hit them from time to time than to go flying off the cliff.
You can do this!
We are praying for you!
For more ways to investing in your marriage, check out our book, “A Beautiful Adventure Marriage: A Guide for the Marriage God Created for You”.