10 Sex Life Killers

Hello Friends,

Sex is a great thing! We spend the majority of our single life trying to get it. It is the number one thing on most people’s minds, let’s just be honest. In fact, all relationships start simply because of a sexual attraction. You see someone and think, “Heelllloooo.” In the beginning, there is no depth – just attraction. Depth comes later as you get to know the person.

The problem for most couples comes after marriage. Once married, you can have sex all you want. It’s legal and moral. However, as time goes on most couples let sex fall to the wayside. In fact, many people steer clear of marriage simply because they believe sex with one person for the rest of their lives would be boring. Or they have heard the all too familiar stories of married couples who rarely or never have sex anymore and they don’t want any part of that.

It Is Not Supposed To Be This Way

Your spring water is for you and you only, not to be passed around among strangers. Bless your fresh-flowing fountain! Enjoy the wife you married as a young man! Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose—don’t ever quit taking delight in her body. Never take her love for granted! Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a prostitute?
for dalliance with a promiscuous stranger?

Proverbs 5:18-20

That was never God’s plan for sex. He created sex as a good gift to be enjoyed within the confines of marriage. Biblically it should be the married couples having the wild and amazing sex, not the single people. Sex in marriage is about intimacy and a lifelong commitment to continually pursue your spouse in a passionate way.

So why isn’t this happening?

There are countless reasons why a couple could be struggling in the bedroom. Some reasons can be very severe and need outside help to correct. However, we believe the majority of the reasons comes from being passive. Let’s dive into 10 ways you may be killing your sex life that you can change today.

10 Ways You Could Ruin Your Sex Life In Marriage

Having Too Many Distractions

What are you doing when you and your spouse are together? Are you on your phone, watching tv, or preoccupied with something else? Distractions can take up a large portion of our day if we are not careful. Instead of coming home and pick up the remote, maybe come home and try to “pick up” your spouse.

Constantly Shutting Down Your Spouse

One thing that could be severely hurting your sex life is constant shutdowns. Is your spouse putting the offer on the table only to walk away rejected? Sometimes sex can’t happen for a variety of reasons, but why not take advantage of the times it can? I know you may not “feel like it”, but instead of saying no all the time, honor your spouse by saying yes. The fact that they are pursuing you shows they are attracted to you and want to be with you.

In fact, the Bible actually has something to say about this very thing.

Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it 1 Corinthians 7:5

Using Critical Words

What is the atmosphere of your home like? Is it a life-giving place where you feel safe to be yourself? Or is it a critical place where you or your spouse feel like you are walking on eggshells? What words are you predominantly speaking to each other? Are they positive or critical? If you are constantly being critical toward your spouse, they will not want to show intimacy towards you. Change your words, change your sex life.

Comparison

Comparison is a relationship killer in general. It has the ability to take a person who has so much and make them believe they have nothing. We are tempted 24/7 to compare ourselves to others. Comparison always leaves you feeling less-than. Comparison can kill intimacy on multiple levels. One for women is their bodies. We don’t look like the supermodel, so we don’t want to be naked. We shut down advantages because we are self-conscious.

Pushing through this can be hard, but we were never meant to be like other people. Your spouse didn’t choose the unattainable, “unrealistic” supermodel. They chose and love you. Don’t let comparison steal your intimacy.

Body Image

Comparison is a great segue to our next point. A lot of people simply let themselves go and do not take care of their bodies after marriage. One major sex life killer can be refusing to take care of our bodies after we get married. The pressure to “win” a spouse is off, so we get lazy and sloppy.

NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY – We are not saying you have to be bone skinny or have six-pack abs for the rest of your life to be happily married. That is impossible, BUT you can take care of yourself. You can be healthy. You can brush your hair and your teeth and dress up for your spouse “just because.”

There is a time for the “cookie pants,” but it’s not all the time. Be healthy, care for yourself, and look nice for your spouse. Give them a reason to still say, “Heeelllooo”.

Being Too Busy

If I had to guess, you probably have a to-do list that is a mile long. This world glorifies busyness. If you are overwhelmed, unrested, and unhealthy, clearly you are a go-getter who will be happy and successful someday. There will always be something to do. You will never get everything done and can we just take a deep breath and say, “That’s ok?”

If you are too busy to have sex, you are too busy. Prioritize your marriage and your spouse. Choose them over a to-do list. The list will be there tomorrow, and after good sex, you may be more energized to get it accomplished.

Having A Poor Routine

Another sex life killer is falling into a poor routine. Always doing the same thing is boring. Spice things up. Do it in a different place, at a different time of day. If you have to schedule sex to make sure it is a priority, that is fine but be creative about everything else. It doesn’t always have to be the same old sex. Sex can be scheduled, intentional, and yet exciting. It just takes a little planning and prep.

Getting Too Comfortable

I love the fact that I am comfortable being myself in my marriage. That is one of the many facets of marriage. It is a place to be loved unconditionally, even the imperfect side of me that no one else sees. However, we can take comfort too far.

During the dating phase, you probably would have literally died if you farted or burped in front of the other person. You definitely didn’t let them in the bathroom while you occupied it. You didn’t go around scratching whatever itched or wearing dirty clothes. Yet, we do these very things in marriage and wonder why our spouses aren’t throwing themselves on us.

Let’s be comfortable, but not take it too far. Set back up some of the dating boundaries and you might get some of the dating attention.

Selfishness

The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4

Let’s take a minute and speak some real words. Being selfish is easy to do, it is our human nature. It is our natural response to focus on what we want or need. Unfortunately, selfishness can also be an intimacy killer. If your only goal in the bedroom is to fulfill your needs, that is not very alluring for the other person. Sex in marriage needs to be a place where both people are being satisfied.

Weaponizing Sex

We saved the most dangerous sex life killer for last. Using sex as a weapon is the quickest way to kill intimacy in your marriage. Sex is a gift, not a prize. Sex should never be withheld due to bad behavior, or as a prize for good behavior. In the sanctity of marriage, sex should never be conditional. It is a privilege we get to enjoy in marriage, not earn.

Begin Again

I will go first and say as I was studying for this blog, I saw several areas where I could do better. The good news is if you read this and have the same moment, you can begin again. Let today be the day you turn things around. An amazing sex life is totally possible in your marriage, it may just take a little work. Whatever it takes to make your sex life better, it is worth it.

You can do this!

We are praying for you!

For ways to start improving your sex life today check out our blog “Sex and Marriage”.