Hello friends,
What is one thing that makes going on an adventure so much fun? As I was pondering this question several answers came to mind. One, you’re getting out of your usual routine. You’re leaving the 9-5 of normal life and getting a chance to relax and have fun. On your adventure you’re seeing new things, eating new food, and enjoying new experiences. You’re getting the chance to explore life in a new setting with a new point of view. You get to see how others live for a few days and what normal looks like to them. You get to see the beauty of this world.
Explore!
There are a lot of reasons why people enjoy adventures, but one of my favorite reasons is I get to explore all the things that the Lord has created. I get to search out the beauty of God’s workmanship. One thing I tell people all the time, I want to go to all the places, and I want to see all the things. I want to explore everything. I want to see and learn all I can about the world that I live in.
All adventures should have some kind of exploration to them if they are going to be true adventures. I mean, who goes out of town just to do the same things that you can do in town? One way, Alex and I explore when we go on adventures is by not doing anything we could do at home. That means we must explore the area to see what it offers. That means we must get out of the hotel room and see the sights. Exploring makes our adventures more fun and because of it, we get to fully experience the adventure.
My prayer for all of our trips is, “Abba, show us wild and beautiful things. Meet us there and speak to us in ways that only we will understand.” The beautiful thing is, He always does and because of that we always grow closer to Him, and because we experience it together, we grow closer to each other as well. Exploring not only makes the adventure better, it makes us better.
What does this have to do with marriage?
Last year as I was preparing to write our book on marriage being a beautiful adventure, I started a list of words I felt applied in our marriages. After I had listed all the words I could think of, I wanted to reach out to others and see what they had to say about what it took to have a happy marriage. Everyone gave me the words that instantly pop into everyone’s head when you think of marriage like faithfulness and honesty, but there was one word that kept coming up repeatedly. No matter who I ask, young, old, newly married, or married for years, this one word kept coming up as something that had to happen if you were going to have a marriage that was a beautiful adventure.
That word was “compromise”.
As I studied about compromise it occurred to me that the word explore and compromise have a lot in common. When we compromise with someone what we are actually doing is exploring a situation from someone else’s point of view. We are looking at it from their perspective and trying to find common ground.
The more I looked at compromise from this angle the more I realized just how important compromise is. Before we dive into ways to compromise in marriage let’s get rid of any excuses we may have about compromising.
It doesn’t come naturally…for anyone!
Compromise must happen a lot in marriages if they are going to be happy. I one hundred percent believe that is true, but can I just be transparent for a moment and say I don’t like compromising? It’s not something that just comes naturally to me, and if you’re honest, I’m sure you would say the same thing about yourself. I mean, genuinely, who enjoys not getting their way?
Unfortunately, it coming naturally to me doesn’t dictate whether or not I should practice it. Somethings are easier to compromise on than others, but in general, compromise is not fun, but fun or not it’s necessary, and also helpful, to our relationship when it’s practiced regularly. Compromise must be something we do because it is necessary, not because it comes naturally. We can’t dig our heels into the sand and be stubborn about everything and expect this adventure to go smoothly. We can’t be selfish and force people to always do things our way and expect a healthy relationship with our spouses.
Compromise allows us to explore the possibility there are other, and dare I say even better ways, to handle situations than the way we want to handle them. We must be willing to allow our spouse to have input and be a part of the decision-making in our marriages and our families. We are on this adventure as a team, and if we’re going to arrive happily at our destination, exploring different routes through compromise is a must. So let’s look at some ways we can start exploring compromise in our marriages.
3 Ways to Compromise in Marriage
Explore Different Routes to Your Destination
Did you know there are about 7 different ways to get to the Grand Canyon from Alabama? I didn’t know this until about 3 years ago. When we decided to go there for Alex’s birthday, he sat down and mapped out all the possible ways we could go. Each route would get us to the same destination. Some were longer and more scenic. Some were quicker and easier. There were also multiple forms of transportation we could take as well. We could fly, drive, or take a train, but at the end of the day we would end up at the Grand Canyon.
Just like there were multiple routes to get to the Grand Canyon; there are multiple ways to achieve your goals in marriage. There is always more than just one right way. We must be open to the idea that there are multiple ways to arrive at our destination. We must be open to the idea that there may be ways that are better than ours to get us there.
The main goal here is to be opened minded. When your spouse comes to you with another option hear them out. Listen to what they have to say and be open to the idea that their way may be better. Work as a team and discuss all the options. It may be that both ideas could use some adjustment and a compromise can be found. The beautiful thing is, if we’re intentional about these moments of disagreement, they don’t have to turn into moments of discord. Just because you disagree doesn’t mean you have to argue. These moments can become moments of growth and unity if we communicate with open minds instead of shooting each other down. If we will keep the end goal in mind instead of the winner/loser mentality, we will be able to compromise a lot easier and achieve our goals a lot quicker.
Ok, Pause, Question
Our natural response will always be to do things our way based on our perspective. We will have to train ourselves to take a moment to step back and view things differently. The best way I have found to do that is by pausing and asking questions. How do we get a better view of something we are physically looking at? We step back so we can see the whole thing and then we stand still to take it all in. Then if we can we ask questions about it.
We can do the same in our communication with our spouses. When they present a different way to do things instead of instantly going into how it’s wrong and your way is better, pause. Before you respond really think about what they just said. Entertain the idea that what they said could work. After you have given it some thought, if it still doesn’t make sense, ask questions. You will be amazed at how much you can learn by simply asking them to explain their idea a little more instead of instantly shooting their idea down.
Don’t View Questions as an Attack
When you implement the “ok, pause, question” method, you have to allow for the questions. You can’t get defensive when your spouse is questioning your idea or point of view. If you do, it will not bring the compromise you desire. View these questions as your spouse getting the information they need, instead of them shutting you down. Stay calm and seize the opportunity to really communicate why you think it would be a good idea to go with your plan. Through those questions, your spouse may realize it’s a good idea, or you may realize it isn’t, but regardless of the outcome, you have communicated through something instead of arguing.
Compromise isn’t about one being right and the other being wrong. It’s about two people working together as a team to achieve a desired outcome. There are no winners or losers in marriage. That should never be our end goal. Remember in marriage you win as a team or lose as a team. The goal should always be harmony in your relationship and an outcome you’re both happy with, not a clear winner or loser.
Compromise is not about losing. It is about deciding that the other person has just as much right to be happy with the end result as you do.
~ Donna Martini
Start Today
Little children (believers, dear ones), let us not love [merely in theory] with word or with tongue [giving lip service to compassion], but in action and in truth [in practice and in sincerity, because practical acts of love are more than words]. 1 John 3:18 Amplified Version
1 John 3:18 tells us love should be put into action if it is going to be fully received. I believe one way to put love into action is by compromise. When we chose to explore our spouse’s point of view, we are showing them we love and value them. We are showing them their opinion matters to us. Practical acts of love through compromise speak volumes to our spouses and in turn, can change our marriages for the better. Actions do speak louder than words, so it’s important that once a compromise has been agreed upon, both parties walk it out. Don’t bring further hurt and disagreement into your marriage by saying one thing and doing another. Compromise is important, but it must be communicated and then honored if it’s going to give you the outcome you desire.
Maybe you are already exploring compromise in your marriage, if so, that is great and please continue to do so! Maybe you haven’t compromised at all and you are feeling the effects of that right now. My encouragement to you is to start today! Start exploring your spouse’s ideas, opinions, and their point of view. Be open-minded to different routes to your desired destination and find a way to compromise, so you are both happy with the decisions being made. Take some time today to pause and really listen to your spouse. By exploring all the possibilities instead of shooting everything down, you will get a fuller, clearer picture, and with that new perspective, you will have a more beautiful adventure than you can even imagine. Exploring makes a good adventure into a great adventure.
Compromise can do the same for your marriage.
Let’s make today, the day of exploration.
You can do this!
We are praying for you!
For more ways to compromise is marriage check out our book by clicking here.