Hello Friends,
We have made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here soon – or as my mama used to say, “Christmas will be here before we get turned around good.” I love the holiday season. It is a time full of family, friends, giving, and yummy food. However, it can also be a time of busyness and stress. Although time with family is great and receiving and giving presents is fun, for some people those things can bring tension and conflict, especially in our marriage.
A Christmastime Conflict
For some, this time of year brings out conflict in marriages. Problems that may have been here all year, but come out during the stress of the season. Although conflict is inevitable in marriage, there are ways to navigate the conflict that is healthy. There are ways to have difficult conversations in a manner that brings closure, healing, and growth. Difficult conversations do not have to ruin your Christmas season, in fact, having one now may mean you have a peaceful and more enjoyable holiday.
If you are in a place where a difficult conversation needs to happen, but you have been putting it off, here are 5 tips to help you and your spouse navigate through them. Our prayer is that your Christmas season is full of only the best things. Let’s dive in!
Tips For Handling Difficult Conversations With Your Spouse
Pray First
Rejoice always and delight in your faith; be unceasing and persistent in prayer; in every situation [no matter what the circumstances] be thankful and continually give thanks to God; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.
(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
Prayer (and lots of it) needs to happen before any words are exchanged between you and your spouse. Your heart needs to be in the right place or the conversation will be more likely to end poorly. Prayer helps us focus. If we let it, it can give us insight and empathy for our spouse’s point of view. It can make us more receptive to their feelings instead of going in with only our agenda in mind. Most importantly, prayer invites God into the conversation and allows Him to work in and through it.
Listen More Than You Speak
Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving]
(James 1:19)
When you are in a conversation with your spouse, do you really listen to what they are saying in an effort to understand them, or are you listening just enough to formulate your next comeback? For most of us, we listen just enough to know what to say next – we don’t really listen. So during your next hard conversation, be intentional about only speaking as much as necessary. Instead, really listen and ponder what your spouse is saying and what they are trying to communicate with you.
Ask Clarifying Questions
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
(Romans 12:18)
Once you have really listened to your spouse, now is the time to make sure you really understood what they were trying to say. Alex and I call this, “You said this, I heard that,” and it has been a GAME CHANGER for our marriage. This one tip can completely change how you communicate with your spouse. You simply restate what they said how you heard it, and ask them if you are correct. You will be surprised at how many times you are not correct. This gives them an opportunity to reword it in a way that can help you understand.
Remember Who You Are Speaking To
For you [who are born-again have been reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, sanctified and] are all children of God [set apart for His purpose with full rights and privileges] through faith in Christ Jesus.
(Galatians 3:26)
If you met your favorite celebrity today, how would you treat them? You would probably be very polite and kind. If they said something you didn’t agree with, you might let them know you don’t agree, but I bet you would do it in a polite way. So if we are that way with someone we feel is “important,” why aren’t we that way with our spouses?
I think it is time we remember who our spouse is. They are a child of the Most High God, and we need to treat them as such. We need to communicate to our spouses in a way that is respectful and kind. We can disagree and voice that disagreement, but not in a way that undermines and degrades them. This can be done by applying our next tip.
Put On Love
Love is patient, love is kind;
(1 Corinthians 13:4a)
If we are going to get through these conversations and become closer in the process, we have to put on love like we put on our clothes in the morning. It has to become a part of who we are and how we act. We can do this by asking a simple question: “How would love handle this?” We find the answer by looking at 1 Corinthians 13. Paul tells us in great detail what love does and how it acts.
Andy Stanley puts it like this in his sermon series, “Better Decisions, Few Regrets.” Ask yourself, “What does love require of me?”
We break this down a little more in our blogs “Becoming the Right Person” and “The 5 Acts of Love.”
Conversations Bring Change
The conversations you have with your spouse will bring change one way or the other. Why not let it be a positive change that will grow you as husband and wife? Marriage is an adventure and our conversations determine our destination! Let’s get to our destination happy and healthy!
You can do this!
We are praying for you!
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