Hello Friends,
In every marriage conflict is inevitable. Two people living in the same space will never agree on all the things, all the time. It is easy to miscommunicate in those times of conflict to the point where things become overheated. Most of the time it is simply a communication breakdown down and resolution can be achieved; however, once tempers flare and certain words are spoken resolution does not always come easily.
Fight or Flight
Most people respond in two basic ways to conflict. They either fight or flight. They confront the situation head-on speaking exactly what pops into their minds regardless of the repercussions or they retreat either verbally or physically not wanting to deal with the problem at all.
Both of these methods, when taken to the extreme, can be harmful to a marriage. When you are too aggressive with your words they cannot be received by the other person, and when you walk away from the conflict and choose to ignore it nothing will get resolved and the problem will only grow and appear again later.
I know this to be true because I am a flight and Alex is a fight. When conflict arises my natural response is to shut down. I may not physically leave but my mind goes blank and it is very hard for me to communicate well. Alex is the exact opposite. He processes very quickly and has no trouble talking through conflict. However, if he is not careful, he can dominate an argument because of his quick processor.
Ah to be Understood
For the first few years of our marriage, we had the same argument over and over again. We even made comments about how we were literally having the same conversation over and over again with no results. One of our issues was, we both wanted to be understood but neither one of us was taking the time to really listen to the other person. We were to busy trying to get our point across. And that is the main problem behind most marital conflicts. Two people, each wanting their own way and not willing to listen to the other person.
Anytime you argue with your spouse or argue with anyone, the real issue is you are not getting your way about something. Not to say that “your way” is wrong or right, but that is the problem behind every argument. There is a need or an expectation that is not being met, or you are unhappy about the way something is being handled. Like I said earlier, conflict is inevitable because you will never agree with your spouse 100% of the time; however, a conflict does not have to be harmful to your relationship if you handle it correctly.
Below are just a few ways of navigating through conflict in your marriage. You can find these and other ways to navigate through conflict in the book “Pray Circles Around Your Marriage” by Joel and Nina Schmidgall. It is a great book, Alex and I have implemented some of their suggestions in our marriage and it has been very helpful in how we communicate during arguments and just in general. You can purchase it here.
3 Ways to Navigate Conflict
Conflict is not bad, but it needs to be healthy~
Nina Schmidgall~ Praying Circles Around Your Marriage
Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life. Ephesians 4:26-27
Establish a Safe Place
In marriage, it is our responsibility to create a safe place for our spouse. We need to be the person that they come to with everything, both good and bad. We need to be the constant that they can count on, the person they can bare their souls to without fear of rejection and abandonment.
One way we can do this and avoid some conflict altogether is by establishing a regular “touchpoint”. This is a set time on the calendar where you can come together and speak real words. You can talk about the things that are going well, but also have the margin to speak into the things that you want to see improved or changed altogether. By setting this time, and establishing it as a time to speak openly about any marital situation, you can sort through things before they get blown out of proportion, thereby avoiding conflict.
In the chapter “War Circle” Nina highlights some questions and talking points on page 82 to go through during this touchpoint. These questions are a great starting point in opening communication between you and your spouse.
- How can I be a better (husband or wife) to you?
- Is there anything I said or did this week that I need to make right with you?
- Share something about your spouse that you appreciated during the week.
- Is there anything that I can pray with you about?
Create Conflict Boundaries
Another thing you can do to help with communication during conflict is to establish boundaries. Alex and I sat down and came up with some basic guidelines we would follow when we did not agree on something and it was one of the best things we have ever done. In the heat of the moment, you are not thinking straight and it is easy to say and do things that you regret almost instantly. By having these boundaries in place, it makes it easier to control yourself when tempers flare. Below is just a small part of our list of conflict boundaries.
- Cussing will not be tolerated
- No name-calling
- No aggressive physical touch
To me, the name-calling one has been the most helpful. Neither Alex or myself has ever wanted to physically harm each other but there are times when we disagree that we have been tempted to say things we did not mean. That guideline has stopped me in my tracks more than once.
NOW- have we ever slipped up and broken some of our guidelines. YES! We are human and we make mistakes. The key here is tons of grace and asking for and extending forgiveness.
For ways to make forgiveness an active part of your marriage check out our blog “The Technique of Forgiveness”
Actively Listen
Conflict happens when we are not getting our way about something. You may think that you are listening but if you are planning out what you are going to say next than you are not truly listening to what your spouse is saying.
Next time conflict arises in your marriage. Make the choice to REALLY listen to your spouse. Make the choice to really try and see things from their perspective. When you really try to hear them and understand where they are coming from you will find that resolution may be easier to come by than you think.
So during your next conflict, speak less and listen more.
Conflict Has a Purpose
In her blog, “A Better Way to Resolve Conflict” Elicia Horton says this, “Conflict is not a bad thing. It forges communication. Some couples’ communication just needs a little touch-up here and there; others require an entire renovation. But that’s OK when you’ve arrived together at the understanding that things need to change. Stop doing what is hurtful and find mutual ways to be helpful. Most important, depend on the One whose strength exceeds your own, and watch Him work powerfully in each of your lives.” You can read the rest of her article at https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/a-better-way-to-resolve-conflict/
Conflict is inevitable but when done in a healthy way it is purposeful and it can bring life to your relationship! It may not be easy to make these changes in your marriage but it is worth the work! You won’t always get it right but embrace the process! Your marriage is worth it!
You can do this!
We are praying for you!