10 Commandments for Blended Families

By Joel W. Hawbaker

As I write this, I am preparing to speak tomorrow at a Head Start conference in West Virginia, where I’ll be sharing the 10 Commandments for Blended Families with an audience of people who work with children from blended families, stepfamilies, and single-parent homes. I have spoken at many such events, and it is always a privilege. One interesting aspect is that, though the Head Start audiences are officially secular in nature, overall, they have been very receptive when I share with them the religious origins of the information that I share.

A Glimpse at My Story

I have been a Christian for most of my life, having grown up in the Church and having accepted Christ as my Savior when I was fourteen years old. I am grateful to my parents and family for having taken me to church and for exposing me to the Gospel from a young age. Despite that, and like many Christians in America today, my parents divorced a year or so before I became a Christian.

To their credit, my parents had a better divorce than many marriages I’ve seen: they never spoke ill of each other, never used their children as leverage or bargaining chips, and avoided all of the ugliness that family court can bring. We still celebrated holidays together (including Thanksgivings, which were a special kind of unique holiday) until my dad passed away, and my parents never showed out when they attended events in the same location, whether those were sports, school, or any other kind of event.

This probably all sounds pretty dull, and in retrospect, it kind of was; I didn’t even know how unique their situation was until I went to college, and I didn’t know how challenging it must have been for them until I went through my own divorce around 2010. 

Here’s a bit of truth for you:

Every blended or stepfamily is born from some kind of pain.

It could be divorce, or loss of a spouse, or abandonment by parents, or a myriad of other things; but every single blended family came as a result of a painful situation. And that means that every blended family has its own difficulties and complexities that have to be handled gently if the family is to survive and be successful.

I spent sixteen years as a high school teacher, and twenty as a soccer coach, and in those roles I worked with kids from all kinds of backgrounds. Many of them came from difficult family situations, and as a result, I saw a lot of what worked and even more of what didn’t. I saw kids thrive despite difficulties and little help at home, and I saw others thrive because their parents made extraordinary efforts to give their kids the best they could, even when they weren’t married anymore.

From those experiences, from my own experiences, from reading and research and discussions with various experts; from all of those sources comes the 10CBF, the 10 Commandments for Blended Families. And, in the same way Jesus summarized the law and the prophets in two great commandments, so the 10CBF can be summarized in what I call the 2 Pillars:

Be the adult you want your child(ren) to become.

Remember the Golden Rule and treat others the way you want to be treated.

If parents can really get a hold of these two principles, and if they are willing to put the good of their children in front of their own egos or hurt or agendas, then they can help their children overcome the difficult statistics associated with children from broken homes.

If not, well, the statistics speak for themselves. Do a quick online search and you’ll see that divorce is difficult for adults but devastating for the children. It can lead to emotional distress, behavioral problems, adjustment issues, attachment issues, conflicts with adults, academic difficulties, increased rates dropping out of high school and teenage pregnancies, and more. As parents, our job is to take care of our children, and I believe that we can do better by learning the 2 Pillars and the 10CBF, listed below. 

The 10 Commandments for Blended Families 

I. Communicate Well

Over communicate with all adults involved: choose a format/technology that works, and use it. When in doubt, communicate about it.

II. Always Show Respect

Be respectful, calm, and patient with everyone involved, even if you’re the only one doing it (“A soft answer turns away wrath”).

III. Use Discernment

Learn to choose your battles very carefully: differentiate between personal dislikes and ‘red flag’ issues.

IV. Give Way Graciously

Be willing to graciously give way on minor issues. Yes, this comes with risk, but it’s still the right thing to do sometimes.

V. Choose to Believe the Best

Choose to believe the best about the other household, and be sure to celebrate and acknowledge it when you see it (“A real desire to believe all the good you can of others and to make others as comfortable as you can will solve most of the problems.” – CS Lewis, in ‘Mere Christianity’).

VI. Express Genuine Gratitude

Be sure to show gratitude as often as possible whenever a joint agreement is reached, even on minor matters.

VII. Model Maturity and Wisdom

Remember every day that you are the adult, and your task is to model maturity and wisdom for your children. Your task is NOT to ‘win’, get revenge, or even get your own way.

VIII. Ask for Help

Get help before a frustration becomes a full-blown crisis. Ask for 3rd-party help from a counselor, pastor, neutral friend, or someone else that all parties are comfortable with.

IX. Use Discretion

Be careful about what you say to or in front of your children or others outside your family. Work through your personal issues on your time, NOT in front of or by involving the children.

X. Be Consistent

Be as consistent as possible at both (or all) houses in all areas of life. Also remember that total consistency is impossible, even in traditional families.

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